Kindnesses and Other Things in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Last night, I had a big list of stuff I wanted to do and to get done. But when I got in the car and started to drive home? I was… almost instantly falling asleep. CLEARLY, I was super tired. So I decided something.

I got home, walked the yard for Nala’s poop and played with Nala. Then Nala and I laid on the bed for an hour. Then Nala and I went for a walk. Returned, played outside some more. Came in… started the dishwasher, slightly tidied the living room, kitchen, and bedroom, and thought… that’s enough. It was 9:00… I had lots more I still wanted to do. But that was enough. I was tired. I was almost falling asleep on the way home from work. I’m just going to dump a shift and not keep pushing. Just sit, and take a moment. And not beat myself up. So… yeah, I didn’t get everything done last night that I wanted to. But y’know what? There’s time.

This morning essentially started out with Phone Therapy. My therapist is saying that I am “healing and growing faster than anyone she’s ever worked with.” Legitimately? That’s because there are only two things hitting me right now that I couldn’t deal with; and I couldn’t deal with them because of COVID Restrictions. My job is emotionally laborious. Going through a divorce is emotionally laborious. Doubling up on Emotionally Laborious items is difficult. Doubling up while the entire planet is going through “enhanced trauma” is worse. Doubling up on emotionally laborious items while the entire planet is going through enhanced trauma a solution to which is to be entirely isolated is even worse.
SO… connecting with people again is a big help. Victoria, Remus, their kids… scheduling some things with DM Friends and MBFITWW… getting myself out of the house more often… that helps a lot. I mean, imagine the alternative and the first few months.
Wife moved out, you’re stuck at home. You’re in the house you shared with her all day, every day. Surrounded by her possessions and the “we” possessions among the your possessions. Spending more time completely by yourself than every before… while going through a separation/divorce. Then made worse by her rejection of COVID restrictions and going out and actively dating and fucking. SO NOW… you’re stuck in an emotionally laborious job; trapped at home 24/7 with the echoes and memories of your failed marriage; knowing that the Ex is putting herself and others at health risk just because ‘fuck it, I’m lonely”; while you sit and suffer that pain of loneliness because you’re trying to be a responsible adult. YEAH… the emotional content of ME in March/April/May is going to be considerably different from the emotional content of ME in August/September/November.

But I followed that up by saying that there were still three things we really needed to understand and be aware of.
(1) I do have an emotionally taxing job. So some days, the emotional defenses have been up and I’ve been such a warrior that when I get home? I just have to let all of that down; let misery consume me, and just feel the waves of negativity. Not because I want to but because sometimes if you’re boating in a storm, you have to let the storm buffet the boat around because you’ve got nothing left.
(2) Grieving the relationship is going to be a process that will likely bring about my largest personal dichotomy a lot. The separation and differences between my Intellectual Mind and my Emotional Mind. And how often I can KNOW something (I don’t have to marry someone I met in High School) but still have troubles FEELING something (but my parents and brother met someone they married in High School). CASE IN POINT: Worrying that I’ve lost too much time (Emotional Understanding) while simultaneously knowing many people who married or re-married between the ages of 35 and 55 (Intellectual Understanding).
(3) I absolutely want/need to work on Boundary and Boundary Issues. Like… one of the reasons I’m having such trouble with online dating (I fear) is that on the ABSURDLY AND OFFENSIVELY RARE mutual match I get? I try to keep conversation appropriate. “Hobbies? Interests? Spending time on? How things have been?” Because until we meet and hit it off… I’m not going to be the “here’s my trauma, here’s my drama” kind of guy. And ALL OF MY LIFE I have only ever (it seems) been attractive to the kind of women that want to “dump out their purse” whenever they meet me.

So.... therapist is astonished by my growth and healing but… I keep thinking like, Lady- I’m a video game. You watched me struggle on the tutorial as I was figuring out the controls and are now impressed that I can master the Level 10 Boss. But I’m not looking to master the Level 10 Boss. I’m looking to beat the game!

So that was therapy. Then work. Work today is… well..... our judges had lunch with a judge who has since tested positive for COVID. SO… work is “relaxed” but with the fun little behind the brain stress of “Which just means the future is going to be even more HELLA stressful!”

With that in mind, I decided to plot out the course of my month. And truthfully? Other than work? I mostly just have a LOT of blank spaces. And I can/will/have reached out to Nancy and Victoria and Remus for hang out times. And I have Roll20 and DDO and walking the dog in all of the proper places. It’ just… for the most part my weekends are “TBD” and my weekdays are Work, Walk the Dog, Keep the House from Falling Apart. Important and logical but… not exactly exciting or rejuvenating. So areas to add “Clothes Shopping” or “Check if it is safe to actually do things” and the like.

Tonight promises to be… well… another night.
Victoria’s kids are young (5 and 3) so they aren’t the right age where I could rely on them or pay them to walk Nala; but they apparently love doing it. So they’ve requested that I come over tonight so they can help walk Nala. Which works out as Remus has a date and Victoria doesn’t like to be alone. I mean, I can understand that myself but also seems a bit of a… not red flag but indicator light? Like… if she is Poly because she doesn’t like to be alone, that creates concern. Because if you need Remus or if not Remus, Drew, or if not either, Me… that could be indicative of something. But I’m trying to tell myself that I don’t need to concern myself with that. But yeah. So… I’ll go over with Nala. Victoria, me, the kids, and Nala will take a walk. Eat dinner. Kids go to sleep. Then Victoria and I hang out at her place for a while. And that’s Friday. Saturday is… yard work, and dog, and house, and then DDO that night. Sunday is who knows.

Enjoy some memes and stuff