Benefits in A Childhood Lost

Accrue in accordance with the original contractual obligation and no party shall abdicate their contractual obligation without express written permission and agreement from both parties in the form a written addendum titled “Fuck You.”

Yep. Fuck You, J.

You weren’t even a mediocre mother to me. You weren’t a mother at all. You completely and totally absconded your duties.
Not only did you not mother me. You stole from me the things that a mother is obligated to provide.
Like a vampire, you sucked the life, energy, resources, emotional closeness, and childish innocence from me. You delighted in my total dependence upon you. You relished my attention. Instead of seeing my attention for what it was- an expectation for my needs being met- you thought it was the attention of an adoring, loving, selfless, kind and compassionate being.
You are so narcissistic that you cannot imagine that your child looking at you is anything other than the attention that you so desperately craved and needed in your own childhood. Because your parents shirked their parental duties and placed you in a position to fulfill their needs, you remain needy and attention seeking even at the expense of your own daughter. Even now, you are needy and attention seeking. You come to my door and complain that I don’t make you feel welcome and invited. You come to me and complain that, at someone else’s party, you felt ostracized and intentionally avoided by me. Even as you wonder to me what possible value you could bring to my life! This total and complete contradiction slaps me in the face and you utter it as if it is a commonplace thought. I cannot imagine the mind bending pressure that you must be under! But you must also understand, that you are forcing me to carry your burden. You are weighing me down. You have made yourself my enemy. I am only pointing this out.
Your expectation that I should fulfill your needs is getting in the way of you being a mother. It always has been. And, I am sorry that you went through a shitty childhood. But, I cannot excuse you for putting me through the same.

I didn’t choose you for my mom. I didn’t have any say whatsoever. I didn’t have a chance to say I object when you decided that your tiny infant newborn daughter hated you. I had no preference- and in fact my preferences were squashed, tortured, maimed, threatened and killed- when biology and accidental inheritance placed me in the care of a neurotic, depressed, over-anxious, mystic.
You suppressed in me any retaliation; your image of a perfectly loving, perfectly kind, wholly giving, warm and compassionate being would have been ruined! If you had simply allowed me to be myself, this dream you had would be dashed. Ruined! It would have turned back on you! It would have shone a light on the fact that you should be a fucking mother!
But, you couldn’t allow this. You couldn’t handle the pain of rejection at the hands of your parents, and so you inflicted that pain upon your daughter. You insisted that I bend to your will. You formed and molded me through manipulation, through coercion, through neglect, and through brute force and physical pain. All the while telling me, in one way or another, that my experience doesn’t matter. If I am upset, well that is bad, you see. I cannot be upset, mad, angry, or even sad! Self pity is the most despicable emotion that anyone could allow themselves to experience. It is the lowest of the low. And I am evil if I allow myself to feel self pity.
All the while, you pity yourself. You expect compassion, forgiveness, etc, for yourself. Of course you do; you feel that you deserve it. Your feelings are valid. Your experiences are correct. Your perception and view of the world is so correct, that you must force it onto others!
You are so completely, thoroughly, and without a single doubt right, that not even a little child can express their preference for having their most basic needs met without you forcing your reality upon them.
Accidents are no one’s fault. But to you, I was not an accident. You chose to have a baby. You told me that you wanted me, you had to have me, you just knew that you were going to have me and be a mother.
But you never were a mother.