Knew It When I Woke Up in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Some days, you wake up and a feeling comes over you. It can be difficult to really put your finger on… but there’s just this feeling and you have a sense for what to expect from the day. Or is that just me?? My intense interest in time travel, schedules, empathy, and planning have lent Buzzfeed and their ilk to suggest my Mutant Power would be precognitive, premonition, or straight up time travel.

Anyway, I woke up today… mad. Frustrated. Aggravated. All based on the most simplistic understanding of Buddhist principle. My anger and frustration stemmed from the understanding that I cannot simply have whatever I desire, I cannot simply do whatever I desire… I am a being with wants and desires but my soul and society prevent me from living as though those wants and desires are all that matter… or matter at all, in the grand scheme of things. It is this frustrating, confining feeling. It is, frankly, one of the primary feelings that propelled me into Prosecution. As childish and petty as it might sound… if the law is going to prevent me from doing whatever I want whenever I want… those same rules should apply to everyone. You don’t get to be an exception simply because “you want to be.” While this world seems to be careening ever deeper into Self-Centered Selfishness; I will do what I can to try to bring this spiraling nosedive to some kind of end.

So… from waking up to the dressing to the drive… I was just feeling this… inner… fuel? This inner fire over this concept of “Humans! They don’t think about their actions; do whatever they want; and then get pissy when they’re held accountable.” Which… may or may not be a good way to start my day.

Because you see…

OF COURSE that is what I run into all morning.

First Thing:
EMERGENCY
17 year old at the State Training School who has already beaten the shit out of staff and is awaiting an adult trial on Monday… decided he didn’t want to go to adult court without REALLY making a name for himself. So… aggressively, violently, brutally beat the living fuck out of another kid. Like… breaking facial bones and stomping on the young man’s head. And remember… the facility was being run like a Department of Corrections Facility but is now required to run like a Department of Human Services Facility but the staff have had no additional training, supplies, or safety gear… so they honestly don’t know what to do or how to handle it.... so the staff are quitting en masse because shit like this being part of their daily lives is just… not what they signed on for.

Next Thing:
EMERGENCY
78 year old woman (listed victim in a Domestic) wants us to get her son out of jail and the no contact order dropped. The son is a prime example of someone who either needs Mental Health Help or Prison. Not only did he “just get angry” one night and beat the shit out of his own, frail mother. But for the next few weeks, he decided that personality response was the best way to deal with literally everything. So any time he saw a neighbor AT ALL? Violence. Threats. Lashing out. To the point where… beating the shit out of your mother isn’t the only criminal charge you have now. While she’s old and very sick; she can request your freedom but she is now only one of 4 crime victims.

Next Thing:
EMERGENCY
My boss needs me to cover a hearing for him at 1:00 because there is an important meeting about the State Training School that we both need to attend at 1:00. But even though I’m the Juvenile Division Attorney; he’s the elected official and the STS is THE employer for the county. SO… it is, apparently, more important for him to be at the meeting.

Next Thing:
EMERGENCY
Juvenile violence has erupted and a hearing on the matter has been scheduled for 3:30 that I must attend.

Meanwhile, looking at my Thursday and Friday?
Thursday I have
22 hearings and 8 trials!
Friday I have
4 hearings

Then… here’s the “joke” and the “uh-oh” regarding some additional maybe-stress.
Victoria wants to hang out tonight (Awesome!) but I want/need to shower and walk the dog and clean the kitchen. Because last night’s political meeting prevented me from giving Nala more than a 15 minute walk, prevented me from cleaning the kitchen, and… I’ll take responsibility for the shower thing. I didn’t think I’d see anyone worthwhile today and opted not to shower after opting to not shower yesterday.

And… the Victoria thing? That’s… I won’t say causing stress or even adding stress… it is just… it’s another thing to deal with/cope with. Like… she has a husband and kids. And her husband and I are friends and her kids love me. So that is a family I feel close to. And Victoria is openly, actively dating/romantically involved with someone else. Like… Bed and Breakfast Overnight Dates and Sleeping At His Place full romantic connection. And Victoria actually did (this weekend) say that a large part of her desire towards me sexually is “from pity” and then asked if I was offended to be thought of as a “pity fuck” (using those words). And I’ll be honest. YES, I need to experience SOME kind of sexual victory. I appreciate that (especially for someone like Victoria) the idea that I haven’t had oral sex since 2004 is mind boggling and earth shaking. I appreciate that for many sexually active adults; the fact that I willingly subjugated my every sexual desire and forcibly restrained my sexual nature in order to make a marriage work that wasn’t going to… is almost a matter of justice to an extent. And to be incredibly self-indulgent? I’ll admit that I need and deserve a mind-blowing fuck that re-defines my expectations. Which, don’t panic, wouldn’t be THAT hard to accomplish as my expectations these days are just slightly above “Touch me without making a face of disgust.”

But here’s the thing. I do care about Victoria. I do care about Remus. These are, without qualifying anything, the two people I am closest to in the city where I live. There are emotions involved already. And coming off of a very emotionally closed off marriage… that’s another element that I think I genuinely and honestly deserve. I deserve to be in a relationship where I am loved. I deserve to be in a relationship where romance is shared between us. The idea that I’m… third… that she has Husband (to build a life) Boyfriend (to share romance) and Me (friend to fuck because he needs it)… I’m just… it feels like giving up. Granted… Victoria is attractive, I do care about her, she could 1000% rock my world in ways I’d never imagined, and going from a decade of rejection to holy shit, that was fun would very likely be good for me. But… maybe I’m being greedy or just whining. But… honestly. After the time and energy I put into my marriage… the moving, the supporting, the counseling, the resources… after everything.... The idea of accepting “she’s willing to fuck me” just seems… empty. And maybe I’m being too harsh. She does seem to honestly enjoy spending time with me. So I just need to re-shift the focus. I’m a friend that she enjoys having around that she’s willing to “do a favor for” potentially.

I don’t know. I’m probably just not “transitioning” well. I mean… I want someone to build a life with. I want someone to share romance with. I want to have a friendship that involves sex. And… I grew up being trained that those things were called marriage. But my marriage wasn’t any of that. And I’m smart enough to know that… as much as I want that… it isn’t going to “just happen” or “just come along.” So… maybe I do try to push things with Victoria. Maybe I do say, “I love this family and I’m attracted to this woman, so take whatever you can get.” But it does kind of… hurt, in a way? I’ve got love in my heart. I’ve got romance in my soul. I can’t seem to get anyone interested in me other than Victoria and… just as my wife didn’t want any of that from me… it seems neither does she. And that’s just… hitting me in a certain way, I guess.