It's been a year... in Random Thoughts

Not surprisingly, i haven’t written in a while. I actually did not write one entry the whole of last school year’s debacle. It was rough. I seriously considered just quitting or changing jobs.

That is still on my mind, but i will give this year the chance to change my mind.

It’s an understatement to say it was hard to be a middle school special education teacher and solo parent to a baby last year. Do you really want the details? Perhaps all you need to know was i survived. Well, also i went to my principal and said i need a week off for mental health; a week where i could take the baby to child care and do whatever it was i needed to build up some resilience and make it through the end of the year. That was the last week of May, i should have done it a month or more before.
It helped. I made it. Now we are back to a full school year, but with masks. Despite that, we have the highest covid rates in our district. Luckily i live in Washington State, in the US- we have the privilege of access to vaccines and a fairly high vaccination rate compared to the rest of the US.

I feel like i spent much of the summer trying to find people to help support me. Maybe i didn’t ask for help enough? I felt like i was asking all the time and being honest when people asked how we were doing (Babe is wonderful, insert details. i am struggling, inset details). Near the end of summer a friend decided to come a couple days a week and help me out. It’s not like i need to get away all the time, much of the time just having companion ship with someone who will interact with babe and allow me to do other things (inset little task here) was all i needed.

Ha. Perhaps all you need to know is i survived.

I have a mellow second date planned tomorrow morning. First was weeks ago, coffee and conversation. Not sure what this one will be, waiting to hear back from them. J is a former music producer, guitarist in a dream pop band in Portland, tech guy, married with a partner who is an epicospal (minister, priest, ??? don’t remember), and a 17 yo kid. Very much ticks boxes for people i go for. Calm, introverted, intelligent, nerdy. Not much texting going on between us, but that’s no biggie for me. I don’t yet know about his style of polyamory or what he is looking for, and i really don’t mind going slow.

On the other hand, i found someone that ticks the other boxes- witty, quirky, highly intelligent, weird. This person is a British Canadian who lives by the ocean in Nova Scotia, so it’s all been texting. Super fun. I don’t need the physical contact right now.

I’m even exploring whether i am interested in sex right now. Part of it is post partum, part of it is an exploration of ...... how do i say it? My ability to say yes and no, to recognize my yes and no, my exploration of ambivalence and how i have let that be a yes in the past.

Babe is waking. Maybe i will write again in less than a year.