Forgiveness in A Childhood Lost

I was talking to a fellow boards member the other day about his father.
Obviously, it made me think of my own father.
One thing that struck me, was that he hated his time with his father. Ah, I thought, so did I. But, this board member also expressed that he wanted his father in his life.
Really? I asked, genuinely curious. You want someone in your life that you hate being with?
Well, he is better now, was his reply. Still pretty cruddy, but he’s making attempts to be better.
I frown. So?
He seemed confused by that. So I expanded. So, he has improved from hateful to pretty cruddy. And that’s enough of an improvement to make up for the past?
No. He admitted. But it’s an improvement. It shows he cares.
Sure. Do you think he could have been better when you were a child? Of course he could, since he’s displayed that he can; he’s doing it now. But he didn’t. He only became “better” once you had a choice about the relationship.
True, he admitted again.
And- I pressed on -that is really something. It’s really something that you forgave him for stealing a positive father relationship away from you.
There was a bit of back and forth after that- of course everyone wants to believe that their parents are great. They want to believe that their parents were there for them, and will be there.
It’s extremely painful to admit that they weren’t, and aren’t.

Yes. I did not have any positive, loving, supportive father relationship. That was stolen from me.
It was stolen from me and replaced with a deeply narcissistic, immature, needy, violent and petty man.
Not only was I stolen from; I was actively abused. And that’s a very painful thing to admit. It’s incredibly sad; it illuminates a gaping empty maw of darkness, from which no light escapes.
I cannot forgive my father for that. I can’t. To forgive, he would first have to want to be forgiven. He would have to admit that he was wrong- and really mean it. Not one of these slimy disgusting BNA’s (bullshit non apology). “I’m sorry but you can’t speak to me that way-” haha. Story of his life. Sorry not sorry.
No. I can’t have a relationship with an empty shell. That’s all he is. Entirely predictable. He’s not a person. He’s a series of reactions set in motion by whatever happens to him. He’s incapable of being a person. He is incapable of being forgiven; he himself cannot forgive.

And, so. I won’t. I won’t even try. I will treat him as he treated me; with disdain and disgust. Like an inanimate object that suddenly began to speak. And all it says is that it is inanimate.