Exercise 1: Faults in Journal

Always I am cognizant and critical of others’ faults. I continually scan people for their faults, and ignore or take for granted their positive aspects and virtues. It would seem to me that I regard people with too many faults as untrustworthy, beneath me, useless, or even as posing a threat to me or those around me.
Recently, I walked into a large box store and was confronted by 2 women with sneering grins; “You have to have a mask on to enter the store.”
For a moment I wondered if they had any idea if masks were really necessary, helpful, or beneficial at all. I wondered if it would matter that I am immune, not sick, asymptomatic, and otherwise utterly incapable of posing any sort of biological risk to anyone. I also wondered if they were specifically hired to say this, or if they had taken it upon themselves to respond to customers this way.
“Oh.” I replied. I rummaged in my bag for a minute to find my mask, keeping a hand on my baby’s carrier for fear that it was not properly balanced, or that someone might walk by, or anything really. The 2 women’s faces fell into a sort of stony judgemental disapproval.
“Do you know if you sell ice?” I asked the women, mask in hand. Their stony countenance didn’t alter. Yes, it’s over there.” she waved vaguely.
“Where?” I asked, searching with my eyes.
“Just there,” she motioned again impatiently. I regarded her with more cautious skepticism; wondering whether she was hired to keep people out of the store altogether.
I walked in to complete my shopping without looking back again. After the encounter, I remained genuinely curious what made her act the way she did; and why my judgement of her had been so negative. Was I afraid of not gaining access to the store if I was too forward? Was I afraid of their judgement as a careless and dangerous person?

Instead of passing judgement about the character of these 2 women from their expressions and mannerism, I could have asked the questions as they occurred to me.
Instead of saying ‘Oh’ in response to their insistence on a new protocol that has never existed before, has never been validated, nor been instructed by any expertise, I could have asked the question;
“Oh? According to whom?”
In this way I would have left myself open to the possibility that these women were not in fact ignorant enforcers of still more ignorant decrees. Using their perceived power to laud their superiority over the very people they purport to be serving; the customer. Without any hint of curiosity or humanity, doling out their disapproval like the final word of an authoritative teacher on her hapless 3rd grade class.
After this initial act of curiosity and openness to the outcome, I cannot predict how the interaction might have been different. On becoming open to a new possibility, I posit that infinite possibilities become possible. And I won’t pursue one or even a handful of them just to sate my morbid curiosity. Even though there are definitely more plausible and more likely scenarios… and perhaps it is foolhardy to leave it at that. I think the reason that I leave this thought experiment is that… I just don’t care enough about 2 middle aged women abusing their very small positions to look much larger than they really are. I suppose that tells me as much as I really need to know about them.

I am suspicious that my critical nature is a direct result of my over self consciousness.
Because I am so self conscious, I get caught in a cycle of depriving the other of their good traits as well. Because self consciousness is a very negative emotion; a very negative feeling to experience, especially in relation to other people. I feel that my interactions with others carry this negativity intrinsically, as a result of being self conscious.
So it would seem, that the most effective way to overcome my harsh criticism of others, is to turn inward and examine my self consciousness. If I were confident, without doubt about my Self, and Self- assured, then surely it would far easier to at once not take other’s judgement personally and feel the need to judge them in return, and to perceive the true reason for their judgemental behaviors and have accurate insight into how to respond in a way that is mutually beneficial.

Last updated July 22, 2020