Its stupid to be sad about it in Journal 2020

But I really still have feelings for Calin. I know he doesn’t have anymore, I dont think he ever did. And it really hurts me because I thought that he did. So I, i dont know. I cry about it alot. I was going through a rough time in May and I drove him away. I blame myself about the breakup, I dont like talking about it.

I really don’t because I got really emotional and I just feel guilty. I thought our relationship was going great, I really did. I was so happy. I thought that finally I found the right guy who could treat me right and opened up to me and was willing to help me. But I was too stubborn in my ways and he doesn’t love me anymore.

Our anniversary was yesterday and I cried when I woke up because I dont think he even remembered. It hurt, the dream hurt really bad. It felt like hot iron being shoved down my throat because the dream, the dream was horrible and felt real. I felt like it was really the truth that Calin woke up and realized he didn’t love me and he found someone else and was just waiting to leave.

The dream is still making me sick. I dont want to leave the bed today because it’s the day that last year was the worst decision of my life and ours anniversary was yesterday and I feel unwell.

I just have to be happy that’s he’s happier without me and I could never make him happy. I could never do enough, he’s happier.without me. I have to just remind myself that and let him move on. I never tell him these thoughts the rare blue moon he checks on me. He claims he wants me happy but I dont know.

How can i ever be happy now? But I dont say this, I just pretend I’m happy. He looks so happy, he has so many friends now and probably a new partner. I’m scared. If that’s true. I shouldnt be it’s not my place but I still love him and I dont wanna go through this for the second time in the row.

Ali did the same thing and now Calin’s doing it. I dont know what to do, it hurts too much. Was I that bad of a girlfriend to both of them? I tried to hard this time I did everything everyone recommended me to here on my diaries and self help videos and relationship forums and Calin himself. And then I fall apart for two weeks and Calin doesnt love me anymore and I’m alone.