Forward Inward in Current Events

I’m wondering if I can fit a bike in my car. I have a hatchback and if I lay the back seats down I can probably squeeze one in there. I need a hobby and taking my bike to bike trails sounds good enough for me. There is a place not too far from here that can do a tune-up for my bike if I get one, whatever that means. I just don’t want that damn chain to fall off. I’m getting fed up just thinking about it.

So today I throw my resume around. I am going to try and be fearless about it. Everything was fine when I got hired at that craft store and I know that I can trust the process. Excitement and worry are the same experiences in the body they’re only different in the mind and all I have to do is change the context. In theory. When I was at the craft store, before COVID pulled the rug from under me, I did discover some “PTSD” that I was unaware that I had from my employers before that. Man, I’m getting nervous just thinking about starting somewhere new.

So I figure that I will stick to my plan of work, school and moving out in my city. I can aim to move to BC after I save up a bit. Maybe this time next year? I’m getting fed-up with this coming Winnipeg winter just thinking about it. My anxiety is so cute emotionally preparing me for bullshit all damn time. I have a little list that includes spas, pet daycares and pet stores, retail stores and hotels that I am applying for. If that doesn’t go well I’ll apply to fast food places which I’ll hate wildly. Karens and panhandlers and junkies oh my. My city is a real classy place, people come here from the finest slums and prisons. I don’t want or need anything too challenging if I’ll be doing school as a sidequest. I’m already getting mortified about university trying to indoctrinate me and sell me my own oppression. Assuming I do university. It’s 2020 and there are so many options online. I would rather apply directly to the faculty that I want for human nutritional sciences than do a first year where I would have to take and pay for courses I don’t want. I can see myself arguing with a professor against white privilege already. Don’t separate me from everybody else and then categorize me into a group identity thanks. Was education designed to demoralize POCs on purpose growing up? I had a lot to unlearn and I only unlearned these limiting beliefs around this time last year. I made the mistake of believing that I will have to try ten times harder to get the same job as a white person. That I would just grow up to live in poverty etc. The opposite is true. A lot of jobs and schools will take melanin over merit. Perfect grades and SATs aren’t enough for most people anymore. This wild wild western culture is going through some stuff right now. The only way out is in. The revolution that needs to happen can only be internalized, not televised.

Anyways, I thought it was going to feel good checking off the heavy stuff on my to-do list. Not so much. It’s okay though. It’s not about perfection it’s about progress. When I think I sink so I have to take baby steps. My dumb, gay ass spooks easy. I got to get rid of the habit of worrying and keeping promises that I make to myself should help with that. I need accountability. Anyway, I guess I should move on with my day then. ta! oh! I had such a weird dream that I was vlogging for YouTube. And ta!