Grump and Bah in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Man… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just… tired and unmotivated and stuck. It’s like… I don’t know. There are so many things I want to do but I don’t have time… then I get tired and “check out” and feel too sleepy to do anything so I get further behind.

Like… fun and not fun stuff.

Kitchen needs to be dealt with. Tuna meals need to be cooked. Dog needs to be walked. Yard needs de-pooping and mowed. Bathroom needs cleaning. Bedroom needs organizing. I need to exercise and lose this COVID weight. I need to buy new shoes. I need to get a haircut. I need to buy new socks. I need to buy sweatpants. I have dozens of books I need to read. I have several movies I own that I need to watch (for the first time). I have a “video games I own but haven’t played” pile of 20 games. Then add in things like trying to develop or build a social life… or a dating life… or a professional life.

Like… honestly? I just feel overwhelmed by trying to exist right now.

It feels like a silly catch 22. Like a “I’d scream but I don’t have a mouth; I’d run away but I don’t have legs.” Where for me it’s.... “I’d exercise, but I’m in pain. I’d be in less pain if I could sleep more. I’d sleep more if I was less anxious. I’d be less anxious if I had less to worry about. I could get less to worry about if I were able to do more.” AND there’s the Catch 22. I’m feeling anxious which wears me down; I’m worn down so I can’t do as much; I can’t do as much so I’m feeling anxious.”

It… sucks. I wish I could be health. Productive. Successful. And I’m not requesting sympathy or anything. It’s just… I know it is a shitty thing to say but.... I love my house and I love my dog… but if you took away the dog, took away the yard, and stuck me back in a crappy little apartment?? My entire life would be self-contained. Not that such a thing would be preferable. But I’d feel less stressed maybe. And yes… I’ve looked into it. Teenagers to pay for dog walking? Teenagers to pay to mow the yard? Professional people that are gardeners or landscape architects? Nobody. Not in this area. I just… need to figure out how to get over myself. Push past everything going on and just keep trucking.