Update in Current Events

I did not sleep well. I had a panic attack that lasted hours. Yesterday my sister gave me a deadline to move out. October/November. A deadline might just be what I need so I am not hurt by it. I need to turn my anxiety into excitement. Anxiety and excitement are the same experiences in the body just a different experience in the mind. I just need to control the context of what I am feeling. The panic attacks I can’t control but it’s ok. I don’t experience real fear when they happen because I know it will pass. I just ride them out.

I keep forgetting about my life before I landed myself here with my sister and her husband. The nervous breakdown I was having. I do not define myself by my past anymore and I try to look and think forward to life instead so I forget about my heavy past. I had a nervous breakdown in 2012 during the Roarke saga of my life. I was not managing my finances well and I was drinking too much and making poor choices. I was taking on everybody else’s problems to avoid dealing with my own. I just about lost everything including myself trying to save everybody. I moved in with my other sister and her boyfriend. I had my cousin Stacy staying with me as well because he almost dropped out of school to escape his mother’s boyfriend. I was not aware that my sister’s boyfriend was an addict and sociopath and abusive (not physically) and I got sucked into that black hole and started to lose everything all over again. My problems compounded. I was also still trying to save everybody including my friend Ryan from his alcoholism but he passed away from that and then the sister I live with now took me in. Well, technically her husband did. He felt bad for me because everybody was taking advantage of me and my money. That was 5 years ago now. It is time that I move on. Every time that I try something happens. The first time I was ready to move out I decided to help my sister and husband out with the daycare situation so we could all work fulltime. I owed them that. Then the second time I was ready to move out I lost my job when I reported sexual harassment. Then I was just starting to get things on track when COVID hit. I am handling myself well regardless. There is of course room for improvement.

I need to get up the nerve to get my life together. It’s overwhelming and I think small and break it down into doable pieces. Blah, ok. I’m ready to go face the music. Ta!

*edit
Ok, Joel Patrick sent me a friend request on Facebook and I am fangirling a little bit.

Last updated July 09, 2020