Today in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Today has been… emotional and weird. I certainly woke up on time to get to work today but I figured between how tired I was and the impending doom of next week and the next six months; I figured I’d take an extra day to rest and take a bit of a break. After all… literally all of my vacation day use expectations were cancelled and if I’m not doing anything fun or important; I’d rather use a sick day than a vacation day. Of course, as an attorney- I don’t actually get REAL sick days. I still had to call in to some hearings, fix a few issues, put out a few fires. Of course, because of that I’ll be going to the office on Saturday. But better to be in the Office when nobody else is around all things considered.

My “Stuff to Get Done” List is still huge and growing. So I figured start small, start local. I’m in my bedroom, start there. Clean bedroom. Tidy everything. Begin to reshuffle clothes. Because Nancy still has a LOT of stuff in the house. Half of the closet is still her stuff, many drawers. So… empty them. Move clothes around. Figure our what you want to go where now. At least maybe. Try things out, see if it works, move it around if it doesn’t. A decent project to start working on. Of course, I need more sweatpants, more athletic socks, and fewer t-shirts… so as I go through all of that, I need to reorganize/try on/etc all of my clothes anyway. Honestly… THAT part wasn’t upsetting. But in doing all of that, I realized how dusty the surfaces were. So I got the dust spray and a rag and started dusting. And dusting Nancy’s jewelry box got to me. Both of our rings are inside of it. And… all of it kind of hit me. I don’t WANT to go back to looking for someone. I can’t right now, which doesn’t help matters. After the work, the time, the emotional labor, the money… after everything to try to get the marriage to work, it ends like this at this time. The exact moment that I couldn’t go to family or friends or take trips to feel less alone. The exact moment that I couldn’t hit up bars or clubs or Vegas to find a possible woman to even so much as flirt with. I just… yeah. As I dusted I started to cry. Because this damned COVID shit has royally fucked up getting anything done quickly or with social connections.

Which also jumps in. Because of course, there is still just SO MUCH of Nancy’s shit in the house still. Which means that I honestly don’t know what I own, what I’m just storing, or how much space I’m really going to need to fill/figure out. And how much should I shift things around now that Nala won’t have multiple people taking care of her? Should I move my primary entertainment stuff to the living room instead of the basement so that she and I can be closer to the Backyard Door and her food? I mean… I’m not exactly enthused to have my house be more empty but I need to figure out what my world is going to look like. WAITING isn’t helping anything.

THEN for reasons beyond my logical understanding… the age issue jumped in. At this point in my life… the very reason I have a house with 4 bedrooms… is that I was expecting to start thinking about trying for a family. Instead… I can barely take care of myself right now. Between my emotional, physical, professional stuff all alongside COVID restrictions and Government issues..... I mean… yeah. I’m in no position to have kids right now. But I just… it feels significantly like I’ve taken a huge step backwards. Moving here, buying the house, getting the dog, getting settled down… life was supposed to be going into a more concrete, real place. Career, Home, Family. I always knew that the life plan my brother and parents followed wouldn’t work for me. Find someone in HS, get married in college, dedicate yourself to a career, have kids. Worked for Mom and Dad, worked for my Brother and SIL. But it was always pretty apparent that wouldn’t be me. I couldn’t even get a relationship to last longer than 3 months until I met Nancy when I was 20/21. I’d been out of college for 4 years before we got married. It took me 8 years after we got married to find the job and location for My Career. And just as the Career starts getting comfortable… the marriage drops out. No moving on to Having Kids. We have to go all the way back to “Finding someone that would be willing to build a life with you” again. Technically… even WAY before then. To “Find a woman that can stand you” then see if you can find a woman that can stand you that would be willing to go to “Find a woman that wants to be around you” then to “Find a woman that wants you” and keep trying to search and build and hope to find/run into/create a relationship if that happens.

And all of that would be normal, difficult, post-divorce struggles that everyone would have to deal with during something like this anyway.... but the damned bloody timing of it! Even something as simple as forcing My Best Friend to grab a drink at a bar with me during a visit… even something like that could potentially open the door for a flirting opportunity or intermingling with women. Instead, the best I’ve got are dating apps which are (at best) depressing.

So that’s where I am. In a house surrounded by possession that may or may not be mine taking up space that I have no idea how to use and relegated by virus to a social life almost exclusively of an On Line Variety which does little to nothing for me in the arenas of the sexual, romantic, or anything more than trying to speak to my friends via ZOOM/DISCORD which ultimately and unerringly is merely me, the needy single and childless friend trying to communicate while they chase their running and screaming children who are sick of being cooped up.

It just… I’m starting to feel like there’s so much to do. In my house, in my divorce, in my job, in my life… and yet… this virus is acting like a prison. Forcing me to not go forward, not get anything resolved, not get anything started… just… stuck.