Toxic Positivity/Positive Discrimination in Current Events

I am completely letting myself down. I cannot will myself to do anything. I have no pull to pull me through. Am I going to spend this entire entry whining? I feel as though I am just waiting for that big moment of inspiration. To hear the right words. Like I’m waiting for a signal. Guidance? But I know that isn’t coming. Motivation is not coming. I can’t wait around to feel like it because I will never feel like it. Nobody is going to come along and make me do it. It was not even that long ago that I would just listen to motivational speakers, read their books, watch their TedTalks instead of actually doing anything with my life. It was an attachment, a distraction, an addiction. It was toxic. I don’t have that attachment this time around. I don’t have my attachment to alcohol either. That would give me some liquid courage. I don’t have my attachment to exercising. That is another thing I use to create distance between me and my goals. I am afraid. I am afraid to make all of the big changes in my life. My attachments right now are Skyrim, Facebook and politics. I feel like I am trying to quit smoking in a way. I knew that all I had to do was cut out the first cigarette of the day and I wouldn’t chase that high the rest of the day. I think that is why I have such a desire for a perfect morning routine. One that is designed to give me inspiration and energy. I create a to-do list or I make an action plan and then I self-sabotage because… lets be honest, laying around feeling sorry for yourself is comfortable and easy and safe. I can do it though. I need to put faith in something higher than myself. Even if it is just faith in a higher self. I need to visualize the person and life that I want and pour all my energy into that.

Am I a bit fucked? Yes. Can I be unfucked? Yes. Can I unfuck myself on my own? No. My thinking and my methods created this mess thus it cannot fix it with the same thinking and methods. I need help. Advice. I just reached out to Bev. She’s a life coach and I know she will be happy to help and give advice. I hate asking for help.

Speaking of politics. I like Katie Hopkins. She’s crass and straight up and nobody likes it. I like it. I believe in a persons right to be an asshole. Someone can call me a faggot and I don’t have to like it but I will fight for their right to say it. Anyway, she gave a motivational speech about discrimination. Right? How do you spin discrimination into a motivational speech? It was not about discrimination. It was about equality. Equality is a magic social concept. It does not exist and it will never exist. Western culture has given us all equal opportunity. A lot of people do not believe that they have the same opportunities as the next person but that is on them. Deep down, nobody wants to be equal. They want to be better than the next person. That is what drives the human spirit. To be better than your neighbour. To get hotter after you get dumped. To become highly successful to be better than the people who bullied you in school. Personally, when I was a kid I became aware of how messed up other kids with my history become when they grow up. How kids that are the same ethnicity as me grow up to become. I made the promise to myself that I would never become like any of them and I succeeded. So is it absolutely evil of me to be proud that I beat those odds? To feel like I am better than that? There is more to it here but I have to get going. Bev is on her way. Ta!

Last updated July 10, 2020