Painfully Honest in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

  • July 7, 2020, 11:25 p.m.
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I am going to be painfully honest here. I have a mild fever. The fever being mild likely means it is NOT COVID. But what it does mean is that… yeah… duh doy… I have a shit immune system. I’ve known that for a long time and didn’t need this additional proof. THAT BEING SAID… I am terrified. Absolutely petrified. Not about the NOW. About next week and the 6 months that follow it. Our state is already TOTALLY OPEN. No mask requirements, no location-specific closures… I think we don’t even have Occupancy restrictions anymore! The last remaining Government Mandated restriction was COURTS. Which makes a lot of damned sense!!

Courts are, by definition, a place where: if you are required to attend, they can punish you if you refuse. Punishments including taking all of your money, property, assets, and FREEDOM! SO… forcing the aged, the immunocompromised, the actively ill to come to a small room and intermingle? During a pandemic that sounds like a dumb fucking idea.

What’s worse? While the State is requiring us to open back up; they are allowing each individual county to decide their own reopen procedures. 99 COUNTIES individually deciding their own procedures!!!! AND OF COURSE my stupid fucking county!! One of our supervisors suggested that we require masks and do Temperature taking on each person entering the building. She was laughed silent by the other 2 county supervisors and my boss. So… next week? Required game of Make Believe! Let’s make believe like this is still 2019! Let’s make believe that Trump is smarter than the CDC or the WHO! Let’s make believe that a deadly pandemic isn’t spreading through our world, our country, our state, and our county! We are a farming county with 17,000 people and yet we are averaging 6 new cases a week. I get it we aren’t as bad as New York or LA but here is a really scary bit of information: the majority of new cases in our county have been found in the age group 18-40! So not the Nursing Home set more likely to stay home and spread it in a confined setting. No, instead it is the EXACT demographic more likely to break the law in our county. So something to look forward to!! At least if I catch COVID and die, I’ll have the satisfaction of being a giant postmortem “I told you so!”

As a sarcastic p.s. to all of this? Nala is losing her tiny little mind! Poor pupper is just pacing with her eyes screaming “WHEN DO WE GO FOR A WALK? GO FOR A WALK? LET’S GO FOR A WALK!” Obviously, I knew she’d be like that. And I did what I could. I asked Nancy if she could walk Nala Nala today. She could not. Out of town. Another date. So… yeah, folks! There’s more of that damned cherry on top! 15 years together, 9 years married… the woman who couldn’t bear the thought of having sex with me and couldn’t stand to say “I love you”… Since March? At least three boyfriends, at least one of which was an actively sexual relationship? All the while, I can’t get more than a 5 sentence conversation on dating apps… and the only woman interested in me is a married polyam with 2 kids. I realize that comment could offend the polyam community but as a Purity Culture Dreamt of Marriage kid? It is hard to feel special when you are “one of many”… even if the woman is objectively quite attractive


rhizome July 07, 2020

human people have different connections over time. i know at the end of my relationship with lina, i couldn't stand the thought of her touching me, but with boo, i want nothing but touch. my feelings have nothing to do with lina's value as a human being -- she's absolutely wonderful! -- but just have to do with me receding from our relationship. i know that kind of rejection can be incredibly difficult to make peace with, though.

and in polyam, you realize the things that make you special are things that make you, you. like, i may be one of my boo's two partners, but i know i'm special in his heart because of my big-ass feelings and my quirky interests. i'm quite certain no one can replace me! i think it's hard to understand until you yourself fall in love with two people at once, and see how much your heart stretches to love them both. <3

stargazing July 07, 2020

I hear and understand your fears. Are you at least able to wear a mask? I know it's better if everyone wears one, but something is better than nothing?

woman in the moon July 08, 2020

I don't know if you read my entries or not - and I really don't care - but today I did something really stupid corona virus-wise - and I am nervous as hell. I really think I'm ok but the fact that I used such bad judgement just drives me nuts.
As for polyam stuff - oh got I have nothing to say. It seems you should have no to little trouble finding someone. But I thought that about myself too.
Life is just so screwed up. If it's not the virus, it's love or lack of it, or money or the lack of it, or health or the … you get it.
Let's wish each other well.

Thalia July 08, 2020

I get why you’re scared. Something's gotta give here.

My MIL over the weekend was complaining about how no one was working because they were getting paid more to stay at home. Well, that and they didn’t want to die.

hot-lips July 08, 2020

Hope you feel better soon. It's crazy that your state has no lockdown or restrictions. I mean, our government handled the entire pandemic in a pretty crappy, headless chicken way. But people are mostly trying to follow social distancing rules. And our courtrooms have been closed since March, and suspended until further notice. Try not to feel discouraged by the dating apps, there's a lot of people who don't know how to hold a convo. But a lot of people do - sometimes dating apps don't bring out the best in people. I know I get bored and lazy to reply sometimes.

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