How *Not* to RTR in Journal

How not to talk to your loved ones, rule #1; Tell them what to do!
Yes indeed, tell them that you know exactly what they’re doing wrong, and try to control the situation. It always ends in disaster.
Rule #2; be indirect! Of course, because being indirect is a safe place where you’re not vulnerable to exposing your real emotions. You’re totally safe while you mercilessly poke a stick at your partner like some dead animal on the side of the road.
Of course, we cannot forget about rule #3, which is to ignore, dismiss and minimize your partner’s feelings in favor of pursuing your own agenda and defending your position!

Alas. I have never come across a more perfect way to totally destroy real communication!

I am feeling quite humiliated and tbh, frustrated with myself.
It’s a miracle my DH puts up with me. But I wouldn’t expect any less. I put up with him, after all…
Staying present has helped me so much. I am tracking my progress by the time it takes for me to come to these realizations. Before I started therapy, it was completely unconscious; I was totally unaware of this problem. Now, I am able to recognize what is happening either in the moment, or quite soon after- seconds.
Still, I am not in the place yet where I can consciously choose whether or not to engage in the behavior. I am compassionate towards myself in that I recognize there must be the ability to choose in order to assign true free will to the interaction. However, I also recognize that I am responsible to my DH for the way I conduct myself.
Thus, I have the obligation of letting him know exactly what my failures and insufficiencies are. I also have the obligation to try to make up for those failures as soon as possible.
Because I think right now, we are on pretty equal footing as far as emotional maturity. I have a fear, though, that if one of us progresses, the other might not. It’s a reasonable fear. Just one that, I believe, may be holding me back.
However, generosity is required for true closure. Closure is simply a certainty about any given situation or relationship. Closure is only possible when there is truly a great disparity between the individuals in a relationship. With my dad, for example, I have closure. I am 100% certain that he does not love me, never loved me, and does not care about me. I have zero doubt about how he would respond to any request for connection or openness. He is incredibly immature and unable to move his maturity to any degree. I know that.
With an equal partner, however, there is the unknown. There cannot be closure when there is continual unknown. Not that closure is necessary or even desirable for a partnership-! There needs to be a certain level of trust, which requires predictability, but to be certain about your equal partner to some degree stagnates your relationship. For what is the point of open communication if you are certain about them?