Nites in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

This will attempt to cover a fairly large amount of time so if this gets long… fair warning up front:

Friday, before I had to skidaddle to MBFITWW’s; I had phone therapy. There we kind of drilled down on how I was feeling what with my first UNAnniversary. How there was a lot of fear and a lot of understanding about who I am, was, and feel compelled to be. And then a nice little deconstruction surrounding it. That a lot of what goes through my head is attempting to prepare for future scenarios using past experiences. A normal and understandable thing in general and even more important when considering that a large part of my career is about trying to predict problems and missteps and prepare for those. Only here’s the thing: The last time I was “single and looking to mingle” there were a LOT of things different. Personally? I was 20. Now, while I lament the changes in my appearance, I do not (and cannot) lament the changes to who I am internally! I am much wiser, smarter, more compassionate, more attentive, and more kind. I had only JUST been diagnosed with my pain disorder. Now, while I can’t say that my pain doesn’t still play a part of my life these days; my relationship with my body, my pain, and my emotional response to both is far more mature and experienced. I had never had sex before. Now, while having sex or not isn’t a particularly significant portion of a personality, the pressure and fear and cultural versus personal expectations are no longer looming mysteries. I have had sex and while I don’t know what my sex life will be in the future… I’m not culturally defined as “lesser” as our culture does FAR too much for “Adult Virgins.” I was a strict, rule following, law abiding citizen that did not drink nor attend any establishment where I was required to state that I was older than I was. While I am still most certainly a rule following, law abiding guy… I have reached the proper age where I now can (and do) drink legally and go to businesses where my age must be over 21. I suppose finally, as a 20 year old I was an undergraduate college student with no job living in a dorm room not sure about what I was going to do with my life. Now, as a 36 year old, I am a fully employed attorney living in my own house with at least a vague idea about the next few years.

In other words… I am very much NOT the person upon whom I am basing my “past experience/future scenarios” on. So while it makes sense for fear and terror and anxiety to exist because there is so much of an UNKNOWN, I don’t need to (and should stop) trying to think of myself through the lens of those past experiences. BUT FOR the elements that still play a significant role… like the Mr. Fixit Aspect. Since every version of me has been quick to rush in and fix and give and support without any requirements, expectations, or demands that my own needs and problems are fixed, attended to, or supported… I do need to be aware and discerning about that.

So, therapy ended and it was time to finish making the house ready for Nancy to come house-sit/dog-sit. Part of this process included changing the sheets on the bed. Old rule: Whenever a guest comes to stay, give them fresh sheets. It is a sign of respect, welcome, and cleanliness. So I grabbed some green and lavender sheets and a large white comforter. I grabbed the matching green and lavender pillow covers and made the bed. It wasn’t “professional housekeeping” quality but it looked good and it was a newly made bed with fresh sheets. And THEN it hit me. I still had the pillow cases from our wedding night. They are monogrammed with the hotel name, the date (July 2, 2011), and our names as they appeared on the Wedding Certificate. Therefore, arguably… if I wanted to be petty and mean-spirited, I could have used those pillow covers instead. A kind of subtle jab at “If you’d been better, these pillows wouldn’t be painful reminders on 7/2/2020 but an act of celebration”. And this thought? Actually made me happy. And I’ll tell you why! The version of me before dating Nancy and getting married?? That petty punitive thought would have been his first instinct. And he would have done it! The whole time thinking, “This is justified. After what she did to me; this is the least she deserves.” But y’know what? I’m not that guy anymore! Not only was it not my first thought… it hadn’t even occurred to me until after I’d already made the bed! And even when it occurred to me, my first thought in response was “Oh, I hope Nancy isn’t worried about me doing something like that!!” So… there you go. Young Me was a petty, vindictive, punitive little brat who felt that hurting people who hurt him was a version of justice. Current Me is a lot wiser. Hurting someone for hurting you is like tearing your own arm off to hit someone with it. Even if you feel, in the moment, the urge to do it… you’re just hurting yourself and someone else… you’re not helping anything.

But again… I must be on guard for the parts of me that haven’t grown into positives. Like… my Mr. Fixit aspect! Which came up before I left. I texted Nancy to tell her that she could eat or drink anything in the house and that I had bought a new toy and some new treats for Nala that I hadn’t given to the dog yet so if Nancy wanted to enjoy the “New For You” excitement, she was more than welcome to give those to Nala. And the response I got back from Nancy was acceptable; but VERY MUCH signaled to me that she’s still just kind of floating through a depression. And I felt such a powerful compulsion to try to DO something… to try SOMETHING to make things better. And I recognized the compulsion. Named it. And set it aside. And when there was that little hint of guilt for doing so, I stated out loud “You have already tried everything possible to help that woman. Nothing worked. You are not to blame. You are not responsible.” And did a breathing exercise. And let it go.

Then it was off to MBFITWW’s place! This drive is pretty much 80 miles straight east through mostly farm land. And oh boy, when I say that the farm lands had a SHIT TON of political propaganda posted and so much of it was offensive.
WIND ENERGY WASTES TAX PAYER MONEY
REUSABLE RESOURCES DON’T EXIST
IT IS A LIFE, NOT A CHOICE
DON’T MURDER BABIES
and many more like it. But only along those themes. Apparently, Iowa Farmers are anti-renewable energy and militantly “pro-life”. But then I saw a sign that bothered me so much that I thought about it for the rest of the drive:
VOTE MORALLY, GAY MARRIAGE AND ABORTION SHOULD NOT EXIST
That one, I kept thinking about. Because in truth, our system of laws is, does, and should reflect some kind of moral sense. BUT as we do not live in a Theocracy; the moral used in creating laws should always be as permissive as possible without authorizing, accepting, or promoting any potentially criminal activities that would directly harm the individual or the society. SO… laws and voting should have moral components but the morality should be wider than “My religion.” Because if the morality that you wish to push through law is strictly your religious belief or your interpretation of your religion?? That’s bad for everyone. And if you ever need proof of that; just think if it was someone ELSE’s religious morality or beliefs. If a “moral law” in someone else’s faith would support honor killings for example; or criminalized unkosher foods; or mandated attendance at religious ceremonies… I mean, from a Faith Perspective… those would be “moral”. That’s why ANY place that claims to honor freedom MUST balance morality with permissiveness. And ultimately, I would argue, that the best balancing test is to determine “victims and victim impact.” Gay Marriage… victims and victim impact? Gay Marriage allows two adults of consenting age to be recognized by the government as a Family Unit, owing to one another the legal protections and obligations owed between two Domestic Partners of a Heterosexual Marriage. The only potentially arguable “victim” is “the institution of Marriage” to which I say… allowing two people to enter into marriage is not damaging of “the institution”. There would be a better argument citing America’s divorce rates as a threat to “the institution of marriage.” As to abortion? I’m still of the traditional Protestant perspective that unless the fetus is able to breath, it cannot be considered a human child gifted with the divine majesty of The Breath of Life. But I appreciate that other people disagree about that. HOWEVER, we must have laws that respect scientific objectivism as well as relatively subjective ambiguities like “morality.” SO… do I consider “Abortion should not exist” to be a moral statement? FUCK NO. Do I consider that it is acceptable, from a moral and scientific perspective, to have some restrictions on abortion? YES. But Iowa’s constant and long-running crusade to make abortion illegal in ALL CASES (yes, there is a constant demand to make ZERO exceptions for rape/incest/health of mother) I strongly believe is morally and scientifically wrong. Because (extreme example to prove the point) if a woman is raped by her brother and giving birth could KILL her… I think aborting the fetus prior to a certain stage is absolutely acceptable! So largely… “VOTE MORALLY, GAY MARRIAGE AND ABORTION SHOULD NOT EXIST” was a sign that I took very specific and fact-based grievances with.

I got to my friend’s place and it was good. We discussed masks/social distancing guidelines for the visit. And how his county and private practice have been INFINITELY better and smarter about COVID than mine. Which, duh, is another reason that “Trusting people to make their own decisions” is NO WAY to lead right now, Governor Reynolds. It was kind of sweet, though. MBFITWW specifically said that he’d been really worried about me through all of this. In his words, “He’s accustomed to long periods of time holed up at home without a roommate or a partner or that kind of thing. But I know this came at a rough time for you and I’ve been really worried.” So that was sweet.

We watched all of “The Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime” and all of Jo Jo’s Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable. SO… when you consider I arrived at his place on Friday at around 2:30… and left on Sunday at around 5:00… I was there for approximately 50 hours. We watched 64 episodes of Anime. If each episode is about 30 minutes long that’s 32 hours of Anime! HA!

It was a pretty good trip, all things considered. I did have a hell of a time getting to sleep on Saturday though as my brain went to an unfortunate place of fear. I was trying to do the “Who you were does not dictate anything about how your future will go” but then that started wriggling around my brain. The idea that I’m not (in any way) “trying to get back what I once had” and the reality that I’ve honestly never had it. A proper, decent, caring relationship that involved physical contact… I’ve not had that. Not really. And while who I was does not inform what may happen… the fear of it all was really starting to gnaw at me.

I drove back Sunday afternoon/evening. When I got home, Nancy had already left. I walked in and it was surprisingly quiet. The treats and new toy I had gotten for Nala and encouraged Nancy to introduce to the dog hadn’t been touched. But for the deli meat, none of the food had been eaten. I’m looking around the house and don’t see Nala but I do see some things that Nancy left for me (additional masks, thank goodness as we’re still on schedule to open courts next week). Finally, I get to the master bedroom and Nala is just sitting pretty and watching me. Silly dog. I take her outside and we do the excited happy to see you! I call Nancy to thank her for watching the dog and the masks and everything. On the phone call, it was fairly obvious that Nancy feels entirely adrift, uncertain as to what to do with her life in anyway. Which gave a somewhat fractured Mr. Fixit response. Half of me had the typical response of “How do I fix this? What can I do to make it better?” But the other half actually took responsibility, in a way, for Nancy’s issue. For almost 10 years, I busted my ass trying to make sure that Nancy’s life was “good”. Emotionally, financially, biologically… I’d spent so much of my time and energy trying to help Nancy that… now that I’m not around… she has no idea at all. Like, she is a 40 year old woman that did nothing more than eat lunch meat for meals. Like… not put it into a sandwich, just ate the meat from the packet. Which is fine but simply stands as anecdote and analogy. I would love to fix things for her because she’s so miserable and feeling so lost. But maybe because I fixed things for her so often; she doesn’t know how to do it for herself and that is something that she needs to learn.

After the phone call, I had dinner and poured a drink. Played with Nala and watched some Fairy Tale. Then I got a phone call. Victoria wanted to know if she could come over to watch some more Jodi Dr. Who. Sure! Nala was out of her mind happy with it, too. “Dad, Mom, and a friend?! BEST WEEKEND EVER!” Nala was thinking. As we watched Dr. Who, Victoria said that she was in a cuddly mood if I was okay with it. I agreed and she scooted over to me, and I asked, “What do I do here?” out loud. Because… seriously… actual cuddling hasn’t been a very common part of my life for the last decade or so. Thus Victoria leaned into me and draped my arm around her, holding my hand to her chest. It was… nice. It was… physical interaction which (COVID notwithstanding) is something I’ve needed in my life for a long time. Of course… a bit weird. Married woman, texting other guys, while cuddling in my home watching Dr. Who. I’m trying not to get too cerebral about any of it. I could CERTAINLY stand an introductory class on “Dating” and if that is what this kind of is, I’ll take it!

Today at work has been… disastrous fall out.
(1) Friday, two guys with beef decided to take it from “anger” to “action. Pulled out an AR15 and opened fire. No injuries but considerably more excitement than our county typically gets.
(2) One of the firework stands in town caught on fire on the night of July 4th. EVERYTHING about it is too convenient for it to be an accident. The people running it at the time? Well known meth dealers/users. When did it go up? Shortly after 9 p.m. on July 4th. Other than “awesome, if dangerous, firework display” is there a recognizable motive? The workers claim $2500 in cash burnt up during the fire. So… I expect the investigation to say arson but I don’t know if we’ll have anything to go on besides that.
(3) THE BIG ALL DAY ISSUE SO FAR has been the bloody STS. Our juvenile delinquents are becoming aggressive and violent. Since the STS is now required to act in line with DHS/DPS instead of DOC… the kids are exploiting the “You can’t do anything to us now” element and are beating the everloving SHIT out of staff. And we are trying to figure out how to help but… there are loads of issues! Like… STS needs to develop some Best Practices that work in tandem with our office and the Police… the police need to do their jobs in order to facilitate cooperation… and we all need to sit down and just put together some kind of comprehensive policy strategies!

Now in national news:
Fox News has been so embarrassingly “Trump Propaganda” that they’ve outed themselves as ridiculous. AND YET, Trump is now claiming that they are “bad guys” he will no longer support because they showed a poll where he wasn’t leading Joe Biden. THAT is the man “running” the country. Such a sensitive toddler that he’ll throw a tantrum when his favorite network airs ANYTHING that doesn’t stroke his ego.

Honestly… if you still support this 74 year old perpetual infant; never claim to care about Presidential Behavior ever again.

What too many currently sound like
GOP/TRUMP/TooMany: science is a liberal hoax! Trump the libtards! No masks, no wind energy, no recycling!!
VS
Science: at worst, if you listen to us we’ll have slowed a viral spread and have clean air and water.... how is helping others such an offensive idea?

Meh… I’ll add one last thing before I scamper off. I fell asleep last night with the TV on Futurama. I wake up 3 or 4 hours later to the movie WE FOUND HELL. The movie is… classic B Horror. What I like to call “I could have written that, but I don’t know how to secure a graphics budget that big!” But what instantly grabbed my attention and held on (until the character was no longer involved) was Mirela Burke’s character Lucia. Yes, entirely because of the costume choice. I couldn’t find a great photo but… essentially Janties with fishnets. Grabs my attention.