The Last Monday of June 2020 in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Today is shaping up to be a fairly mediocre day. Couldn’t sleep last night, which obviously sucks. Didn’t get Nala as much exercise as she needed yesterday which also sucks. Honestly, the dog is beautiful and loving and is very dedicated to her pack (when we were visiting Victoria, when I’d get up to go to the bathroom, Nala would cry as she was worried I was “leaving her there”. Nala is very much into people in general but knows who HER people are. But she has such high energy needs. I can’t be doing 2 hours of walking and an hour of playing every day. And the Doggy Day Care available in this county? If you pay extra, they’ll give the dog a 15 minute walk. If you pay even more, they’ll play with the dog for 15 minutes. Otherwise.. it is just Nala in a kennel. So local doggy day care is a no because I can stick Nala in a kennel at my house for free, thanks. Just… something I’ll have to consider.

As for today, though? Bah. Had 5 hearings scheduled; after two hearings where the extent of my involvement was saying, “We agree with the DHS report and recommendations, your Honor” and then the other 3 were cancelled. And I have no hearings on Tuesday or Wednesday. So my next three days (other than putting out fires) will be exclusively puttering around and preparing for things to come. And… they’re coming sooner than I think they should to be honest. Iowa’s COVID numbers are going back up. Our county alone had 4 new cases over the weekend all of them being in the 18-40 age demographic. And our County Courtrooms are scheduled to reopen in 2 weeks. Other states are re-instituting closures; we’re removing the very last restriction. Because… and I will never understand or forgive on this issue… we’ve made Responding to a Pandemic into a politically divisive issue. But that’s where we are today, apparently! Should we try to keep the planet healthy or try to actively kill it? Should we listen to medical experts from around the globe about a disease or politicians? Should we honor our soldiers or actively not care? Should we work for the betterment of our country or only the betterment of corporate profits? Some of the stupidest divides have been during 45’s moronic and dangerous tenure.

After work; I’ll do my usual. Walk Nala, play with Nala, do some yard/house work, eat dinner, Facetime with East Coast friends. Go to sleep to repeat steps tomorrow.

Reflections on Therapy Discussion:

The truth is the idea of “not liking myself” or even just… living a life of service without taking care of myself… is evident in almost every action. Even something like housework. When Nancy (wife) was living in the house, while it would upset me that she was home all day and didn’t do any house work… other than the negative emotion, it was far more easy for me to have the motivation to do the dishes and cook food. But if it is just for myself? Even if it is something I find important or worth while? I often just… don’t have the motivation and don’t do the tasks. Doing for someone else makes sense. Doing for myself seems… pointless. Especially in the current setting! I could at least trick myself/fool myself into thinking that I have to do certain things in case of company. That’s always a good shortcut. I can’t let my dishes take over the kitchen because what if company comes over? But that doesn’t work anymore. People aren’t popping over to my place any time soon and, even when there are scheduled and confirmed plans to have visitors… that falls apart.

On the other hand though… I do have a massive ego… or at least a severe degree of snobbery involving the abundant plethora of inexcusable idiocy I see in the world today. Which is an interesting “other side of the coin” to the cloying apologetic self-hating part of me. But both in my job and due to the nature of things in the world right now… I see an infinite amount of immeasurable stupidity that makes me angry and upset. So really right now… that’s where I’m balancing. Self-hating, apologetic, diminishing… or ravingly furious at the stupidity of others.