Much To Say in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

What I intend to write here may be one of the potentially most offensive things I’ve written this year. Then again, it may not. Just know that I go into writing this with that intent. Obviously, I’d prefer not to receive judgmental notes; but that is something that can’t be helped in some instances. Of course… I have much to write before I get to the content I had intended to share.

As I had mentioned previously, I have re-signed with BetterHelp. The last time I used their services, they were very helpful in providing me the proper mindset to say, “Fuck the Chinese Job. I can do better than putting up with this abuse.” So I was hoping for something similar when it came to “Divorce During a Pandemic and surrounding issues.” I was not surprised that I was not connected with my last BetterHelp therapist. Different location, different concerns, different issues, different time. As such, of course, I held no illusions as to how things would go. Start fresh as though you’ve never done this. Seems like the right perspective. That being said, comparisons are natural. How are things being done in THIS interaction versus the OTHER counselor, that sort of thing. Well… right off the bat, some important differences. In BetterHelp once you’ve been matched with a counselor, the counselor sends you a “Hi, intro” kind of e-mail. The first counselor sent me a “Hi, here’s who I am, here are the options for engaging in BetterHelp! Let me know which you prefer!” This one? Sent me a hi, introduced herself, and said “Feel free to schedule an appointment at your convenience!” Wait… what? So I responded asking if she meant… Telehealth, or texting, or e-mailing… like.... “schedule an appointment” what are we talking about specifically? I asked her. She… didn’t give me a clear answer. Just said “tell me when works best for you.” To which I said “Friday afternoons.” Then it got weird again. She sent me a message that said, “I’ve cleared my early afternoon on Friday for you.” Then a day later she sent me some very strange text gibberish and a hyperlink that was simply an e-mail address. It was odd. I sent back “I don’t understand what this is. Can you please explain?” In the last six days, I have not had an explanation. Or any response back. So… who knows what is going to happen there. This morning I decided “fuck it” if she wasn’t going to respond to a clarification request, I’ll just do what I did in my last BetterHelp experience and compose an e-mail detailing the issues. Let’s see what happens next?

Onto some more “large scale” disturbing news. As you know, I get County Health Board E-mails daily to update on the spread of COVID19 in my jurisdiction. We are averaging 1 to 3 new cases EVERY DAY and the large majority of our cases are very surprisingly in the “Adult” category (per county classification that means people between the ages of 18 and 40). I say “surprisingly” because everyone assumes that COVID spikes are concentrated to the Elder Care facilities, Hospitals, and Out of County Meat Packing. Unfortunately, it isn’t truly surprising for me as someone who is IN that demographic and has been observing my peers behave as though COVID doesn’t and has never existed. During my walk with Nala today, we saw an entire TOWN (of over 17k people) prove this idiocy. I’ve mentioned before that nobody is wearing masks anymore. In my entire county. The only masks I see people wear anymore are at the Grocery store and even THOSE people aren’t even committing (how many people actually DON’T know that if the mask doesn’t cover your nose, you aren’t using it right?) During our walk… Nala and I saw 12 backyard barbecues where there was no social distancing, no PPE, and more than 10 people in attendance. Or… CLEAR viral vectors on display; thanks for energizing the curve! But what was most galling and surprising to me? The community building’s parking lot was PACKED. Like dozens and dozens of cars. Nala and I got to the front of the parking lot and… it was a graduation party! I mean… forget the whole “Graduation Party on Father’s Day” weirdness. Think more about dozens and dozens of people in a small community building without masks. In a community where we saw a 25% spike in confirmed cases in ONE WEEK. Where the County not the state, the county is getting new cases every day. And what bothers me most about this? Is the logical break in people’s bullshit. COVID is a 14/30 illness. If everyone who had encountered someone with COVID isolated for 14 days; and everyone else wore a mask and social distanced for 30 days… we’d be a LOT further along in this than we are. But we haven’t and we aren’t. We, as a country, haven’t even had a DIP… we had a plateau. Instead of letting cases go down before acting like self-entitled jackasses; we let it “level”. If I may.... an analogy:

A town is getting way more rain than normal; enough to threaten a massive flood. Unfortunately, the government refuses to acknowledge or work against the flood and the inevitable happens. The water crests the river banks and floods the area. It isn’t terrible, as far as floods go. Half of the town is still dry; and the people with home damage just lost everything in their basements. As far as floods go, it is fairly manageable. AS LONG as there isn’t any more rain OR the town works to get the flood waters to recede. Neither happens for a few weeks. The flood waters stay at their same level… people figure that since it didn’t hurt their shit it isn’t that bad. THEN more rain and the flood waters get worse. Didn’t have to. The town could have done something about the water during the period between flooding and more rain. But they didn’t. That’s how too many are responding to COVID.

Now for the intended entry. As to this? I’m going to do something I rarely if ever do. Sharing images in a less secure format. Here is what I look like.

So that’s what I look like. And I’ll admit that I “swipe right” on more than 80% of my Dating App matches. And I never get actually matched (meaning no mutual swipes) in almost every time. But here’s where it gets offensive. Potentially. So… you see those pictures of me? Okay. I am looking for someone who is AT LEAST as attractive (give or take) as this:

I say that with no disrespect to my wife. I look at those images and consider her attractive. And so as I go through dating apps, I’m looking for “that attractive or better.” AND I hear the voice of the critic clearly. Criticizing me for not swiping on everyone because maybe I’ll get to like someone so much that their appearance doesn’t matter and all of that. But… and I get that this may not be the most compassionate response… here’s my perspective:

I didn’t fuck things up. I was a loving, dedicated, hard working husband that put everything I had into my marriage. The idea that because she couldn’t be a wife I now have to settle for someone I’m less attracted to? I mean… I get that seems shallow but… honestly? This is more of the “Dedicating myself to doing the right thing has resulted in nothing but pain and punishment. Where is my reward?” kind of thinking. It isn’t fair that just because she’s a woman; she is pulling guys who are equal to my appearance or better.... meanwhile I can’t even pull women twice Nancy’s size. It just… it isn’t fair. It isn’t just. Now obviously, of course, I want to form a deep meaningful connection and bond with someone as well. I want to love and be loved in return. Definitely. But if we can accept that Robert DeNiro doesn’t date white women… and we can be okay with Leonardo DiCaprio never dating a woman over 25… why should I be demonized for wanting to be with someone AS attractive or more attractive than my wife???

And yes, I’ll admit… the photo sharing? Is in some way to determine whether I was “dating outside of my league”. If Nancy is “outside of my league?” I’ll be almost suicidally depressed but I suppose I’ll understand. It would explain why she never wanted to have sex with me. But if not? Then… I don’t want to hear people being mean to me for wanting to be attracted to the women I date! Though… I understand the sillyness in that statement. Even the 400 pound woman with six kids never responded to my message. So, sure. Maybe I really am physically repulsive and a god damned monster.