Feels like a long time in Weight Loss Surgery

since I’ve written in here - but it’s only been a few days.

I haven’t pulled cards in a few days either. Nothing against it all I just don’t have any questions right now. I feel like everything is kinda flowing along in the right direction.

Tons of little synchronicity that make me feel like I’m on the right track. Like dejavu in the best way.

I can’t remember or even name all the synchronicity but the best one was when me and Will were watching a youtube video and they said my name!

My name is Sarina, for those that don’t know. Not a common name. Never found anything with my name spelled correctly on it. When you look in the text books they give examples of Sally and John - not Sarina.

So anyway, I’ve been researching the hell out of this surgery stuff and I came across an actual weight loss surgery doctor with his own youtube channel. Asian guy, I think he calls himself Dr.V but I forget what his name really is.

So he has years of videos where he’s showing actual surgery, he’s even showing the surgery room so you can see what will be going on around you when you’re asleep on the table.

He also talks about how to eat after and answers questions that people write into him. Very informative.

As he’s talking in his videos, I think he’s trying to make it personal, and he’ll say things like “listen to me Joe, you don’t need 100 grams of protein” or “you have to skip the cake at Mary’s birthday party” using very general names.

Well, while me and Will were sitting, watching this guy, he said “Sarina” and me and Will were just blown away because my name is never used anywhere lol.

Actually, in the Hand Maiden’s Tale (TV Show) one of the main character’s names is the same as mine but they spell is Serena - which is the more common spelling. And while it’s fun to see my name in a show, that woman was not anyone I’d like to be associated with LOL.

Another one is that I went to get gas and … for some reason … when the guy came to my car I just got the vibe he was a nice guy. Usually I don’t pay attention one way or another to the gas guys but I dunno when I looked at his face when telling him “$20 regular cash” he just had a good vibe.

This gas station is close to my house but I haven’t gone in a long while because the last guy who worked there (years ago) was uncomfortably flirtatious. It doesn’t take much to make me uncomfortable and ban ever going to a place.

So anyway, the total comes to almost 19$ and he’s fishing around for change and I’m like it’s ok, keep it. And then he spies the trap in my back seat and says “is that for cats?”

So then we have like a 15 minute conversation because he lives nearby and recently bought a plot of land, unaware that there’s a cat population on it and he doesn’t know what to do.

So I talked to him about feeding the cats, getting them in a routine so someone can trap them. I gave him the name of the rescue I work with and told him how much the prices were - but the rescue works on a sliding scale and anything he could donate would be appreciated.

I told him about TNR, I just gave him an over view of the whole process and he was so appreciative.

I was happy to help and may see him again to trap and now feel comfortable going back to that gas station.

So everything is going well.

Work is busy, and actually Friday morning I was in the bitchiest mood because (like I’ve said before) my boss likes to message me very soon after I get on, and I’m kinda like - My God can I get through my emails first?

And I actually snapped a tiny bit at her because she’s asking me to do A LOT of things that I haven’t done before. And so I kinda had to say to her at one point, I don’t know how to do that - I’ve never done that, my PREVIOUS BOSS used to do that, and this, and this, and this…

And you could see the shock in her face like OOOH that is MY job?

I don’t know if she’ll ever actually do it, now that I’m learning how to do all this bullshit but I was like yea, wake up girl, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS SO GIVE ME A BREAK.

But in the end, I’ve gotten a lot of help from everyone else in the job teaching me how to do these things and it’s all culminating to this like 60 page slide show to show the Board of Advisors that I’ve really done all by myself.

That presentation is a work of art as far as I’m concerned. So I’m proud of it.

And I guess that’s the point of life huh. Everyone should be pressured and challenged to do more than they thought they could so they can be proud of how far they’ve come, kinda thing.

I could do without the trial by fire but the meeting is on Monday night so it’s almost fucking over.

Emma Friday was great. She lost a tooth and gained some maturity. This was the first night in a long while that she didn’t have a meltdown about cleaning up her mess and the whole nighttime routine of brushing teeth and reading a book before bed. It was so nice. We complimented her tremendously on how grown up she behaved.

She’s 5.5 right now, not a baby or a toddler you know, she’s really growing up to understand her routines and roles. Which makes it easier on all of us!

And also, my moms made fries and hot dogs for dinner that night and I had maybe 3 fries. Other nights I’d probably finish all the god damn fries. I’d eat my portion, prob two, and then be snacking on whatever’s left every time I passed the entire night. I love fries. So I was happy to not have to log a bag of fries in my tracker and beat myself up the rest of the week.

My weight is 283 right now. I forget if I weighed in at the WLS doc at 290 or 289 - either way I am trying to control my calories and carbs and yet it’s completely unclear if I’ll be “punished” for any weight loss.

Some bitch from the WSL group emailed me to say she’s my contact, my guide, I can ask her anything and she’ll help me through the process. So I asked her about if I’m supposed to be losing weight during these 6 months or not and she completely ghosted me. Thanks you useless bitch.

Um what else.

Oh, that crazy guy with the cats from last weekend.

Ok so I caught 2 cats with my traps. I brought them up to the convenient garage, they were fixed. The guy offers to go to the garage and take the cats back and release them on his property, awesome. But now he has my traps.

So he asked me, should I return them to the garage or to you? I said, whatever is easier for him. I can get them straight from him (at the place where I caught the cats) or I can pick them up from the garage. He said he preferred me come to him and take them. Fine.

I told him I was free Saturday morning, anytime before 10am (cause I had therapy at 11) I could come and get the traps. He said he didn’t know yet what time he would be at the spot, I said no problem, let me know.

So now it’s Saturday and I was up early puttering around my house waiting for him to tell me he was on his way or already at the spot for me to come get the cats.

At 9am he says he can’t wait any longer so he’s going to leave the traps at the location and go and I can pick them up whenever I want. So I write back, I haven’t even left my house yet cause I had no idea he was there but I can come pick up the traps asap.

He didn’t text back which makes me think he’s miffed but who goes to a location and just waits for a person without confirming any sort of appointment time? I certainly wasn’t going to go there and wait all morning for him!

I was just annoyed by it all but it as probably easier to pick up without him there so he didn’t talk my ear off.

Speaking of therapy, the therapist wanted to know how we felt about the BLM thing. She wanted to make sure we weren’t worried or upset.

So Will goes on a rant saying that he DOES believe black lives matter BUT black people kill more black people than cops do. And there hasn’t really been giant protests every time a black person kills another black person, only when cops do it and he won’t believe that black people value black lives if they don’t protest for any death, only cop deaths. Also most black people that were killed by cops were resisting arrest and if they didn’t resist arrest they wouldn’t be dead now.

The therapist didn’t completely agree with everything he said but she’s a trump supporter and basically said that the media is playing up Covid and BLM to make it look like trump’s term is so bad he won’t be voted in for next time.

The only good thing about that convo is that Will said he isn’t as strong a trump supporter as he used to be because he’s tired of the fighting about it. He’s lost some friends over it and he’s tired of defending his views.

I don’t think he has hope that trump will win a 2nd run and I think he’s just settling for whoever comes next.

She did ask my views and I basically said I’m not informed enough to pick a side. All I’m worried about is my nephew, who is mixed but looks black, being in the wrong place at the wrong time where a crooked or racist cop tries to stop or arrest him. I’m not saying all cops are crooked or racist but especially the area he lives in the cops are used to black men doing wrong and my nephew is just young enough, with enough ego, to try and go at it with a cop who may look at him as just another criminal and kill him.

I actually read an article about the town of Camden, NJ - which is also a bad area - where they brought back the “street beat” cops and basically took cops to the worst areas and said “get to know your community, if you ‘re hungry find out the best cook, if you have to use the rest room you better ask someone cause we’re not picking you back up till your 12 hours shift is over”. And it’s done wonders for the community. Crime is down 50% percent! The people are learning to trust their cops and the cops are learning to trust their community.

The cops themselves have said there have been plenty of situations where before I would have drawn my gun, but now that I know the people and their habits I can talk them out of situations and walk them home!

I think I’m gonna ride in the truck with Will tonight. It’s always fun being a co - driver. The view from high up in the truck is great - but now that his job starts at 9pm, I doubt I’m gonna see anything until sunrise.

Lastly, tomorrow is my father’s birthday so I’m going up to my sister’s to celebrate. I think my sister’s making chocolate cup cakes so I’ll try and limit it to one - one should be enough with her decadent ass.

We’re also having pizza. So… tomorrow’s gonna be rough. I wonder if I should sneak protein shakes in my bag and drink those so I don’t eat all the pizza and cup cakes.

It’s gonna be so weird to tell my family that I’m getting weight loss surgery.

I don’t really want to tell them but I feel like I shouldn’t go under anesthesia without telling them for the 1% chance that something goes horribly wrong. I don’t want my mom to have no clue what was going on.

But it will also be amazing. All yesterday when I was being run ragged by Emma I was thinking that one day I won’t have to lift almost 300lbs off the floor. Every single thing about my life will be made more comfortable by this surgery.

It’s almost silly that I let fear and shame stop me from making the call to an insurance company and getting the ball rolling on this for so many years! I can’t wait for this year to fly by and hopefully get the surgery by wintertime.

Last updated December 20, 2020