I can't remember in Weight Loss Surgery

The last time I slept with Will.

I’ve hated my body and the effort for a long while. Not like i don’t like having sex with him it’s almost like exercise. I feel good after it’s over but most times I don’t really have the energy or motivation to get started.

That sounds really bad.

It’s not like I’m horny for anyone else. I don’t feel like it all, even solo. And it’s all because of how I look and feel naked. I can’t stop being disgusted with myself.

When I am with him and I smile, I’m faking it. I hate myself. And him touching it, anything.

I don’t dress up like he would like cause it’s basically dressing up a cow. It’s a stupid waste. I’m embarrassed.

I guess know ive struggled for years with a low libido with no real reason besides it all being mental. All in my head. It doesn’t hurt. I don’t hate will. It’s all me.

Now this surgery’s come around and i keep thinking how much better it’ll be for us both once we lose weight.

But the surgery is at least 6 months away.
It’s not right to ignore the issue that long. I can’t pause my life until then although i feel like it. Wish I could.

It’s also our differing schedules. We don’t have a regular week together. And even if we did, his internal clock is completely opposite mine. Here goes to bed as im getting up and im going to bed when he’s in his prime awake time.

Yes our time overlaps for some time in the afternoon and i feel guilty all those hours feeling like I should initiate something but I don’t.

I think he’s afraid to push or ask. He’s afraid that I’ll come out And say something insulting to him or we’ll fight.

It’s not even me pushing away his advances much. He doesn’t really make advances. But maybe he’s waiting on me. Or maybe he’s scared of rejection.

I feel bad about it but still… I can’t tell you guys how disgusted I am with myself.

I don’t wanna dwell on it here I just feel bad cause over all Will’s a good guy and deserves to feel wanted. He makes me feel wanted, I just hate myself.

But as much as I hate myself. I still eat carbs. My sister sent me home when some apple pie a CBS i could have thrown in away but I didn’t.

Im just venting here, there’s nothing to be done. I just wish my stupid insurance had a 3 month wait instead of 6.

It’s cruel to make people wait and prove their inability to get healthy on their own.
Ive been morbidly obese forever and can prove it. I’d have to wait until August anyway cause their office that does all the testing is booked until then. But I don’t see why I can’t just get the surgery after all the testing proves my body is healthy enough to withstand it.

The 4 months after that are just torture and im sick about it.

I feel like the hope of being able to change this body has made me hate myself more. More sad. More angry. More aggravated every time I look away myself.

I tried to look at myself with love. I tried to dress nice “for my size”. I tried to look at plus size models and porn stars and love myself like they do. I tried to accept myself. But I don’t believe any of it.

This Is not me anymore. I should be dropping weight weekly. I should be full off a thimble. I should be getting rid of all my fat clothes. I should be wowing Will sexually.

In my head is just a count down of when I can escape my own fat. And I had really hoped it would be sooner than Christmas.

Last updated December 20, 2020