Not a surprise in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

It should come as no surprise that I’m just… tired, man. I’ve been burnt out before. Best Buy did it by abusing my body. Working at the jail did it by giving zero fucks about my safety or need for assistance. Working for the Chinese did it because that place was toxic as hell. My marriage did it because no matter how hard I worked, there was never any “better.” Yet this… this feels different. This isn’t the burn out of working hard towards something. This feels like very deep existential burnout.

I can’t disconnect from Social Media or the News because that is the very little social interaction I still get. But those places are sucking my soul with their misinformation and bullshit.

I can’t disconnect from the cycles of running into terrible shit all the time. That’s my job. Today’s phone calls:
(1) Woman who abused her horses is throwing a fit because the shelter trying to rehabilitate them wants to treat one for cancer.
(2) Man with Dementia cannot be released from the hospital as he is a danger to himself; is creating a scene by stating the hospital is holding him against his will
(3) Little girl’s rapist parents haven’t responded to inquiries about needing attorneys; so the hearing established to help this little girl may have to be postponed because our system always gives Bad Guys more power under the auspices of “protecting people from the State.”
(4) Old man that I successfully convicted of Meth Sales last year… was busted selling meth. Shocker.
(5) Asshole massive meth distributor that we finally arrested after he kidnapped some people in an attempt to force them to pay him “what they owe him” for the drugs… is petitioning to be his own attorney because that way he can run his drug empire from inside the jail… acting as Pro Se, his phone calls would become privileged and we would not be allowed to listen to them… thus freeing him to continue to set up buys and pick ups through his team.
(6) Domestic Violence Victim doesn’t want Domestic Violence Defendant to be alone with Shared Child; but without Custody Orders if Victim gives child to Defendant… we can’t really do anything there.
(7) Trial Calendar is getting heavier. Judges are wisely not wishing to conduct full trials by phone call because if the individual is found guilty and ordered to be arrested… we don’t have the ability to have a jailer AT THEIR HOME (or location where they are calling in)… giving them time to flee.
(8) Gentleman calling with a suspended license. “But I have to drive so can you drop the charge?” No, but I can tell you how to get a valid driver’s license and we can help you keep from getting re-suspended. “Yeah but I have to drive for my job. The officer knows where I live, I don’t think he should have pulled me over.” (HEAD:DESK) What I wish I could have said, “You were breaking the law, mother fucker. He pulled you over WHILE YOU WERE BREAKING THE LAW. You did not have a valid driver’s license as your license had been suspended. WHICH IS A CRIME. I appreciate that you need to drive for your work. That’s why I’ve taken great pains to make sure that we can get you a valid license so that you and all others similarly situated can keep driving but do so legally. ” Of course, I can’t say that. Instead… I have to put this asshole on my Trial Docket because he doesn’t think it is fair that an officer pulled him over while breaking the law because he “has to drive.”

Soooooooooooo..... yeah. Typically when I feel like I’m getting wickedly bombarded by nothing but bad… I take a weekend. I head to MBFITWW’s place or I’ll go visit friends or family and just… take a weekend to block out anything other than the interactions I’m having with them. Positive or negative… it is something besides the other shit to focus on.

Can’t do that.

So the bad collects and gathers. And I’d be feeling this way just due to the news cycle and the job. For extra special fun, throw on the impending divorce!

I’m just… I’m in a place where I’m like… “Can I be dead? Like, just for a week? Just… be dead. Not have to eat, not have to think, not have to exist… just… a total, peaceful, absolute rest from… everything… just for a week? Please?”

Last updated May 27, 2020