Behind The Scenes in Current Events

I’ve been keeping a lot of my entries private to spare you guys from the battle that is going on inside of me between my old political beliefs and my new ones. I want to be more open about it because this has been torture. Soul sucking torture.

Anyway, I apparently decided to just wake up at four this morning. Apparently a headache will do a sleep schedule good. I decided that I wanted to tackle the list I made in my previous entry. I started with the fitness stuff. I sat my gay ass down and looked into it and learned that I am doing everything wrong. I want to get into callisthenics so that means that I have to drop my bodybuilding mindset. It’s a completely different game. It’s about building strength so it takes longer to build muscles because the muscles will be denser than that of someone who bodybuilds. Flexibility, mobility, balance and agility have to be trained also and that means I have to stick to a program. So I didn’t discover a program overnight or anything but I started to work on my flexibility and mobility etc. Strengthening my wrists, my core and my scapula etc. Apparently, I’ve still been doing pushups wrong. I’ve been cheating on my range of motion on almost everything. I started some progressive movements yesterday and I feel overwhelmed. I just need to keep reminding myself that I can do it. Big things have small beginnings.

I don’t know what I’m going with my day. I never do. I keep saying that I need to be more goal-orientated and then I never follow through. I need to keep promises that I make to myself if I want to learn how to trust myself. I was trying to tame my thoughts yesterday and maybe that is where the headache came from lol? Meditation was a hot topic on here last week and I should get on board with that. I’m avoiding it which means that I am afraid. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. My ego is just a control freak I guess? I have it in my head that I want to sit outside and do it. However, I can’t shake the feeling of being exposed to the neighbourhood as our yard has no fence and we’re right next to the street so everybody can see me. Our neighbour is also always home and always outside so that’s awkward. I just go for walks instead but that’s hardly relaxing. Frig, here I go writing the Guinness book of excuses. Has anyone seen Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency on Netflix? In the second season, Amanda sent her consciousness to a place she called “behind the scenes”. Pardon my insanity but I’ve been there! Ok, maybe not but hear me out. Once upon a time, one million years ago when I seventeen and full of angst and drama I had fallen into something that the movie Get Out calls the sunken place. I was laying down fighting my sleep as usual when I got that common sensation of suddenly falling. Usually one snaps out of it as their body reacts and tries to grab a hold of anything but not this time.

The Qabbalah describes consciousness as a tiny orb of light. I don’t know if it is that scripture or the new age beliefs that explain how those orbs of light are what create the universe. I only bring that up because that’s what I became in the sunken place. Became is a weird way to describe it but in there I did not have my body so I had no senses there. I had no sense of self there either because my body stored my memories. The whole experience felt like I was inside a vivid memory that you can picture in your head as I did not have my sight there. It was like a sea of stars. A galaxy. Every star was a person and they all shined different than each other. Some were brighter and some had rays of light that reached out futher than others. Everything was woven together and it felt like it was a part of something. That it had a purpose in which I will never understand. I don’t even know how to explain how time & space worked there. Long story short, I did not enjoy that experience and I’m afraid that will happen again if I meditate lol. I don’t even do drugs I swear! Anyway, it’s another fine day in quarantine. I should go make something of myself today.