New Ways to Chart Time in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I will be responding to notes and other things throughout the day but wanted to do a quick update here.

(1) Our office is opening back up and going “life as normal” starting Tuesday. I mean… while our county hasn’t had a massive explosion (as seen in other counties) the very idea that people won’t just go to counties that are open seems ridiculous. We’ve already even seen it here; but Heaven forbid we think strategically here. But especially ridiculous when you consider that Iowa’s March/April number of Confirmed Cases was around 7,000 and May’s numbers alone are over 8,000. Two months versus 1 month. Granted, that is also because we are testing more than we did but that is a part of the failure to begin with… we weren’t even really TESTING for this unless it was bloody obvious you had it.

(2) It is incredibly upsetting to me how heavily I am impacted emotionally by the stuff surrounding Nancy’s dating and my lack thereof. I mean… I’m trying to allow myself to feel it and not second guess myself or judge myself harshly but… strong emotions and I have an interesting history. You see… growing up, I didn’t know that I was “different.” I didn’t know that other people don’t walk around in extreme pain all the time. I honestly just thought… everyone else handled things better than I did. And I would often get called out for it. Like… any time I expressed myself strongly emotionally; people would be quick to tell me how inappropriate that was. Until I finally got it figured out. And with pain managed, I am a LOT more stable emotionally. I mean… imagine being in constant pain… and then layer on top of that feeling like an absolute failure because you think you’re handling life so much worse than everyone else. Being able to say, “I was dealing with a lot of legitimate pain that people kept sweeping under the rug.” Being able to say, “I’m not a crazy person, I finally know what’s going on and can act accordingly.” That was huge. But it makes me… upset… about strong emotional concepts like recently. Because an important part of me says, “What you’re feeling is valid. You are allowed to feel this way. You are going through something significant and life changing and you’re going through it mostly alone since COVID restrictions. Don’t be ashamed of what you’re feeling.” That is what part of me is saying. Then of course there is the other part of me! The part that says, “Man up. Get your shit together. What will other people think?” Which is often the part that comes to this website to discover that what other people tend to think is pretty much split between my own halves. Some people saying, “You’re going through something huge in a very weird time for the planet. Feel your feelings.” Some people saying, “Fucking deal with your shit. Date 68 year old women taking care of their 12 grandchildren… why the fuck are YOU so picky?” So… yeah. Still not quite sure what is acceptable, to be honest.

(3) The primary element connecting to the title. Facebook has a “mute for 30 days” feature. As COVID started getting hyper fucking politicized, I got front row seats to that dumpster fire thanks to Trumpeter Cousin. No asinine, bullshit, laughably idiotic, completely unbelievable conspiracy theory was left unstated by him. So I muted him for 30 days. I won’t have been keeping track but about 30 days later, my news feed gets swamped with all sorts of ridiculous unsupportable bullshit. Like, “Trump personally prevented COVID from wiping out the Eastern Seaboard and the libs keep saying he did a bad job!” So then I’ll put him on mute again. Well… apparently 60 days (or so) have passed since COVID got really political because he’s back up on my newsfeed. This morning? He honestly was sharing a YouTube video that claimed the CDC and the WHO was in cahoots to require all people take a COVID vaccine that was intended to eradicate white people. That’s… phew.... that’s how many layers of crazy there is to this now. Layer One: The CDC (apparently) works entirely independent from Trump; because conspiracy must promote Trump and cast aspersions on anyone seen as his enemies. Layer Two: The CDC and the WHO are working together, clandestinely but in deep coordination. Layer Three: Those two organizations are anticipating a vaccine to COVID sometime soon. Layer Four: Those two organizations will work to make the COVID vaccine mandatory across the globe. Layer Five: The vaccine can and will have the ability to target Caucasians with specific lethal side affects. Layer Six: These are not side-affects, for the purposes of the CDC and the WHO, but the very reason for the vaccines… an attempt to erradicate Caucasians.

WHAT?! I mean… I’ve known for a long time that this kid was a sexist, racist, ignorant asshole but… to be actively spreading this kind of shit?!? WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK?! This is the kind of horrifying, ridiculous, bullshit that worries me in so many ways. Like… IF WE COULD MAKE POLICY BASED ON FACTS AND KNOWLEDGE, FINE but building policy on whatever makes ridiculous whack job supporters happy? I… fucking hell!

(4) With the office opening back up next week; I look around the house and realize that there are still a lot of things I wished I’d cleaned. But my “isolation” isn’t the same as other people’s. While some people were required to stay home and were able to use that time to get close to their family, their children, or clean their homes. My isolation was about separating from my wife; building government protocol from scratch; and continuing to work in Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, and Domestic Violence cases. If dealing with all of that was supposed to be some kind of test, it is certainly a test I emotionally failed. My body, my mind, my heart, and my home have not weathered this in the condition I would have preferred.

That said… I shall spend the next several days doing what I can. Tonight, I will cook, clean, and take care of the dog. Friday, I will work, travel for an eye doctor appointment, cook, clean, and take care of the dog. Saturday, I will cook, clean, and take care of the dog. Sunday, I will cook and clean and take care of the dog. Monday, I will cook and clean and take care of the dog. And Tuesday… I’ll pretend that everything is exactly as it was February 10, 2020. Which… huh… is a little over 100 days ago.

REVISIONS: Changed Monday to Tuesday in the first paragraph. Added the below

(5) I was watching The Borderlands Show today (learning about new DLC coming down the line) and the guys talking were discussing the differences between how they play and how their wives played. And, of course, I am reminded that this actually ISN’T that uncommon. Thinking of my friends… the women that play video games and/or the couples that play video games together… that’s about 20 to 30 people! Sure maybe it isn’t an abundant percentage of the population. But… it just seems natural. If there is an activity or two that is important to you… don’t you want to share it with your someone special? So that’s something I’m thinking about these days, too. I want someone to be my Player 2.

Last updated May 21, 2020