I still think of you, fondly in Second 1st

If you’ve ever had an internet relationship. If you’ve ever really felt for that person.... then you still think of that person.

When I was 15 we got our first real computer. We’d had one before but this new one hook up to the internet. Had to use dial up and because of that we were only allowed on it x number of hours between this and that time. My dad had a business to run and buyers in other time zones so it was 7-8 before we were allowed on and I’d be on till 2-3 in the morning on the weekends. I don’t recall when I’d gotten on after I started working (Jan. after my 16th birthday) but I know I had more right to it. I paid for it after all (as well as lights and water). My brother had been far more interested in video games and my sister did not seem to have an interest in the internet at all.

I met a boy (Nuapage) my age in some ICQ chat room. We became fast friends and soon were talking exclusively. I had no delusions that we were meant to be. He lived in Canada and by the time I’d met him I was already in TN (moved when I was 14). I remember the night it was over though. I’d been talking to a guy at work (Steven, who eventually took my virginity) and we were finally going to actually start seeing each other. When I told Nuapage that I was going out with friends he drilled me until he’d figured it out. Then we talked about it and I ended up crying in front of the computer for at least a half hour typing. I still remember you.....

Then Allen who ended up moving here from Mississippi. He’s not who this is for. Nor Adam who lives in Australia and visited me after getting married what almost 2 years ago now. ....

When I was with Allen though there was Clay. Clay lived in California and dreamed of walking across country. He’d been the publisher of a local poetry magazine called Bleeding Hearts. I had him send me one once and I do get very disappointed when I think that it got lost in a move or tossed by a boyfriend. Clay thought scares were sexy. A tad paranoid as he had sent me an e-mail with his picture with major adjustments made in a paint program causing it to be all kinds of odd colors. I remember talking to him on the phone one night, soft and low so Allen wouldn’t wake. My mother got a call one day from a random guy asking for me that I swear would have been him but I heard nothing else :(..... I still remember you.

Then Eric, Jim, ..Monty, even Jake.... and I’d met my ex husband online though he’d lived close. Those are not who this is for.....

There was a girl on OD who over the time I’d been reading slowly discovered and struggled with her sexual identity. I would comment on things and she would comment on my things. I read about her going to whatever city she lived near with the woman she found intriguing. I watched her become more sure of herself.... until OD crashed. I have no idea where she is now… but I think of her sometimes.

I know that the folks I read/talk to now.... I will remember you as if you were here. There’s a line in a Halsey song “It’s not fair to make a memory out of a feeling” whatever. I’ve done it in my time. Just thought I’d dedicate an entry to it I guess.