A Contradiction? in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I don’t know if this is a contradiction or simply the acceptance that different actions require different skill sets; but I am starting to wonder if I have all of the skill sets I need.

Particularly when it comes to the one thing I feel I have always been poor at (sentence structure there seems wrong). But I’m always trying to figure out “how does someone get what they want?” Which, when I say it, a lot of people look at me like I’m crazy, lol. After all, I wanted to be an actor… I did it. I wanted to be an attorney… I did it. Clearly, doesn’t that mean that I know how to get what I want? But in truth… I don’t. Or to say it better… when there is less of a clearly defined path forward, I don’t know how to get what I want.

See, when I was a very small child- I was cast in a play. I loved it! I wanted more. So I dedicated my time to it. Acting classes, memorization drills, reading monologues for fun, studying the craft, and auditioning for literally everything I had access to. I didn’t succeed every time. I am still emotionally gutted when the memories of my failures overtake me. Always by surprise. I’ll be sitting, calmly, quietly, then suddenly I’ll remember an entire One Act that I fucked up by forgetting my lines and my level of shame, disgust, and self-hatred spikes to insane levels until I can wash the memory back down. But at the end of it all; I wanted to be an actor and I made it happen. So to with the law. I wanted to be a lawyer. I took time to make sure. I took the LSAT (twice) applied to all of the schools that typically accepted students with that particular LSAT score, got accepted to a program I liked.... and the rest has been documented in this space plenty! So… it isn’t like I have no idea how to go after or get what I want when the only person involved is me.

It is when other people are involved that I get absolutely in the dark. Like… how do you go after what you want when other people are involved? I was raised to understand that my feelings do not invalidate anyone else and do not make me more or less than anyone else. So… how do you go after what you want when it isn’t simply “one’s own labor” that must be considered?

How do I..... I don’t even know how to say it well. I want to attract women I am attracted to; but I don’t want to have a committed relationship… how do I do that? I want to have a relationship that explores sex and sexuality… how do I do that? I want to have friends that are interested in comic books, anime, and video games… how do I do that? And don’t say “MeetUps” or “Apps” because that doesn’t fit with my area of the world. And don’t say move because that isn’t helpful. My job is literally area-specific. I can’t practice law outside of Iowa and I can’t be the Assistant County Attorney unless I live in the county.

So I guess that is the trick? If I live in a rural area, do I just accept that dating, hook ups, and friends are going to be few and far between if at all? And I get it. What a thing to be considering at a time like this. I can’t see the friends I do have or my family… why am I thinking like this? I can’t say for certain. But I can guess. If I had more friends… I imagine I would be getting some “check ins” every now and again. People in my life wondering how I am, how I’m holding up… if I’m surviving Separation and COVID. But I’m not. None of my Des Moines friends have reached out since the separation. And then the separation itself. I’d be feeling randy and in want of a good shag even if we weren’t all isolated. And so… that is where I am. I know how to get what I want when it doesn’t involve other people. But throw other people in the mix and it’s like… I have no idea how to get what I want.