pressure. and revenge. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

so. i’ve been reading up on revenge recently. i think i read an article on menshealth. com [yes sometimes i’ve read a few articles on their site. even though i’m a woman] i think that was the source. anyway one of the articles said ‘calm down’. right who knows when that’ll happen? but. it’s right. like not that that’s easy.
and another. article on psychologytoday or. some site like that. had 2 opinions regarding revenge. one was that when people. get it on someone else they don’t feel better. and the other opinion was the opposite. that they sometimes do.
ya know. i was thinking about it...........and i know this isn’t actually how the universe works but please don’t ruin it for me. by telling me otherwise. so. next month my sister will probably move back into my parents’. which means. she won’t have her apt. ............just like i didn’t all those yrs. ago but for a different reason. so i mean in a way............but i don’t want the universe to take care of it. the revenge thing. i want me to. so she’ll know how it feels to lose that. but. i don’t think she’d like living at my parents’. and i like where i live. and the people i live w/ as i’ve mentioned. so i have that advantage.
revenge is like digging two graves, or something. and anger is like making poison and expecting the other person to drink it. right exactly. no she knows i’m angry. she doesn’t know all of it. but yeah she knows. when she asked on sat. i denied it. bc i won’t open up to her. i don’t know that she deserves that. actually from me. no and i mean only that.
but she wasn’t the one. whose sibling was involved and negatively projected their own feelings onto. their sister [me] and that person’s friend. and who lost her place for that reason. i was. she’s not the one who had someone take over and if she had she’d probably like it. unlike me. it’s funny. she comes off as sexist and yet...............that last day. she brought leo w/ her. and yet i think she’s sexist against men. yeah idinno that i believe that. i mean if she really were/was then..........she wouldn’t need a man to protect her. yeah idinno. i don’t think she’s angry w/ me personally for. having evan stay w/ me. no she’s angry w/ others for not doing. much about it.
yeah but she misunderstood. and she didn’t ask me. what i wanted.........and didn’t. directly involve me. it’s like she talked around, me. i’m not an object: don’t do that. ever. she’s one to talk about people ignoring others/a situation. oh wow ok. it’s not fair. that i presumably ‘have’ to drink the ‘poison’ she made. for others. [i mean not literally of course.]. the arrow was aimed at the wrong person. no not aimed at. hit it. and she made the wrong choice. and i trusted the wrong person. which was her. she should’ve shot that arrow in a different direction. and she didn’t and that sucks. and it’s not ok or right. i don’t care. there was no good reason for her to have done that.
an eye for an eye. right exactly. by not letting her in. i’m hurting her. i’m angry. it makes sense. also maybe she’ll always be the person who doesn’t like ‘secrets’ as she calls them. like i’m someone who. um will probably always hate being cold. and. how the hell am i supposed to trust someone like that? well. i’m not.
oh right now i remember. so i read this thing on wikipedia that said. if the person who was hurt. by someone betraying them. doesn’t validate their feelings. then it’s kindof like a “second assault” as wikipedia put it. yeah. exactly. she apologised but she didn’t validate. so.
so now. i have to assume. that if i were. to tell her anything dark and personal. she’d bring it up. yes she’d bring my. own dark personal experiences. up. wow..............again. they’re not her experiences.
she needs to remember the cigerette. ok not literally. no i talked about this in my last entry.
when. valerie quit on me w/o actually. verbalising to me that she had. and therefore ghosting me.............well. she’s out of my life has been for 2 yrs. er almost. so in some way. it’s easier. to be distanced of the betrayel. er from it i mean. distanced from. the betrayel. same w/ clint. and stephanie who uh. threatened me my last night there.
but w/ my sister. it’s not. i know she’s going to show up at my parents’. and i mean. who they let into their house. isn’t my decision to make. no i know. like if it were my house then it’d be my rule. so. it’s just. a lot of pressure for me to not tell. my sister things. bc i can’t trust her. she can’t be trusted which she’s proven. she needs to show her work on that if she wants to have a relationship w/ me. like omygod.
[and what do i have to work on?] well. i mean i do. have things to work on. but i don’t want a relationship w/ her. we’re siblings of course but i can’t say we’re friends. so. i guess..........in an odd way..........that’s my thing to work on. is not telling her things.
but. that’s not what people traditionally mean when they use the phrase ‘work on’.
it would be easier. if she didn’t come by when i was at my parents’. but that’s not fair to them esp. not my mom. who i’m close to/w/. i don’t want a real relationship w/ her. my sister i mean. or most people. but in particular. her. me maybe some day telling her ‘i don’t have real relationships w/ most people’ is just me being nice. to her. and not opening up.
it’s hard bc. that’s me being nice............which. ..........doesn’t make sense, or something. but if i wanted a relationship w/ her then i would. say more about this to her.
um. yeah.
so i didn’t have a great weekend bc of that. again.