i don't like secrets. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

well. i mean not me personally. no uh on sat. my sister said that. and she wants to get to know me...........right yeah ok. so. at one point during the 2 hr. or so conversation on sat. amongst her, myself & my parents. [fine drop big sad news right before a holiday. really how selfish can someone be? there are big dark things i want to talk to my friend Mark about. but his birthday is this month. and therefore i’m not going to. although. some people don’t like their birthdays. or celebrate them. but wow. i haven’t again. said what the ‘big sad news’ is. i can’t. cause i’m empathetic.]. my sister. brought up the thing between my ex and i..........cause it’s not like i would’ve. they didn’t find out untill after. i’d moved out. out, out of my place i mean. almost 8 yrs. ago. [oh. sorry ‘the thing’ being my ex threatened me............i don’t want to go into it now.]. and i said ‘excuse me i’m in the rm. i can speak for myself’ at least. i think that’s when i said it. i also told her again ‘i’m not a plant’. as i’ve mentioned recently. and all that. and i said. ‘if i want to say something i will. if i don’t then i won’t’ i mean. it’s not complicated. i think she assumes that bc i’m quiet. i’m well. stupid. and no i’m not being insulting. i mean that medically. er low functioning as they say.
and at some point. in those 2 hrs. on sat. she said something about ‘you’re so secretive which is your perogative but.’ and then ‘we want to get to know you’. um, we? well firstoff my mom already does. so. no she, [my sister] does. and maybe my dad does too a bit. more. i don’t like the word ‘secretive’ it sounds judgemental. it’s funny. she’s brought up a couple times that people shouldn’t judge those w/ mental disorders, as i call them. and yet. she’s pretty judgemental herself. wow. i mean i’m a hypocrite as well as times so. but is it though? my choice? ok well obviously but w/ her saying that. and being a judgemental person.........and w/ her not liking ‘secrets’ as she calls them. it feels like she’s influencing me into. telling her stuff. yeah ok cause that’ll happen.
and i’m not going to let her do that. by. not telling her stuff. if she’s going to bring up things she knows. about me like big personal things when. i’m perfectly capable of doing that myself then. yeah no. and i think. in some way this is me getting some form of revenge. i don’t want like. physical revenge against her.
oh yeah. so after i explained to her the whole me-not-being-a-plant. thing. she’s ‘people take care of each other’ right. but i don’t see how insulting me. by speaking for me. is doing so. no cause in fact it’s not. sure maybe if she was like. my attorney or something like that. but she’s not. no and it’s funny bc. unbeknownst to her. my ex. actually did that right before we went into a head shop. he insulted me by. telling me not to say anything. wow. actually. there was a scene in the ‘tina’ show about tina turner. [who else?] about this very topic.
we don’t need another hero.
she’s my younger sister. so to me that shouldn’t be part of her role. cause i’m high functioning and capable and intelligent. self sufficient. how would she like if someone did that for her? actually knowing her she’d probably love it so. [i’m not just being insulting. she legitimately would.]. that wouldn’t have the desired effect.
i don’t think anything. gives her the right to bring that up. i don’t care why. i mean it’s not her story. it’s not her news. her thing. wow...........just. wow.
she told me ‘i don’t want to step on anyone’s toes’ [i mean not literally obviously.]. doesn’t she? i find that really hard to believe. her actions tell otherwise. and talk is cheap.
if she thinks. which i’m presuming she does. that no one did anything. the day my ex threatened me. well. then she’s wrong. i’m not going to detail that for her cause well. trust [or lack thereof actually.]. no cause that day. [and unfortunately i remember this.]. i was the one who did. just cause she doesn’t know about it. doesn’t mean nothing happened. i can’t believe she thinks she needs to ‘protect’ me. which i don’t given the extremely vague example i just gave. it’s a good thing she doesn’t know about my concussion. w/ how she is. it’s a really good thing. [well. again people offline don’t know so. and btw that was almost 2.5 yrs. ago that i got it so.].
oh yeah um. so almost 8 yrs. ago. i remember telling my sister my ex i had broken up [not cause he’d threatened me, or anything. no i wouldn’t’ve done that. broken up w/ someone bc of that. bc of how private i am] and. she asked something about that and i. told her someone else was staying w/ me. which...........i wish i hadn’t. cause then she got all involved. she. projected. [right. but what she did w/ that information wasn’t. my choice. like my mom knows i’m bisexual but she hasn’t done anything w/ that information. no she legitimately hasn’t. another reason i won’t come out to me sister. well i mean. don’t have to. if i’m not comfortable doing so then.]. apparently. there’s also positive projection. which i’m not sure i knew before i read about it. online. but that type of projection wasn’t. her making the decision for my friend who’d already been through so much. wow. he wasn’t her friend! i’m sorry but no. i wouldn’t make a decision for a friend of hers. [well not a big one anyway. hopefully. decision that is.]. or someone she knew. no i think i wanted him there. that’s a reason i was so upset when it all. ended. she and leo came and got him. and just. dropped him off outside. i suppose he evan was used to being treated unfairly. but that doesn’t make it right. they didn’t like drive him to his apt. or the bus station or. something. that would’ve been like. i don’t know kinder. [actually. looking back it’s probably good they didn’t drop him off at his apt.]. but just like he. he was nothing.............like nothing. to them. and that to me is a form of injustice and that’s not ok. there have been many examples of social injustice throughout history.
i’m not stupid: don’t proceed to treat me like i am.
i’ve projected onto people. but the diff. is. it’s been in small ways. oh and btw. when i do get my own place. again. she’s not getting a copy of the key. no.
ya know. before i knew why she did that. which was well. it was on sat. that i discovered why. i thought ‘oh maybe she was doing the right thing for her’. no big negative projection isn’t right on any level i don’t care. i’m not interested.
i was thinking about it actually. and........ya know i was. going to write [well. type up] a letter for evan explaing things. and that i was ending things between us. but i don’t think i will now. cause i had that idea before. way before sat. and i was doing that for me. [well and. and for him.]. i mean...........like yeah it’s sad that now. the thing i was going to do for me. as a way to be. more content [i mean not right away] now probably won’t happen which means i’m caving. which i hate and i’ll. probably cave again cause damnit. but if i were to do it now.........i think. i............fuk. i don’t know how to articulate that. um.
and by not. doing that it’s another indirect way of getting revenge. and of not having my sister indirectly influence me into doing so.
but. getting revenge isn’t a good reason to keep being friends w/ someone. or to um. date someone. no. i know.........i know it’s not right. like i get that. i never wanted, to write the letter. [er well i haven’t yet.]. it’s not like it’s something i wanted. to do. but, ya know. i’m insightful enough and self aware enough. to realise those things. that it isn’t a good reason or right. some people aren’t. i’m a rather self aware person i think.
when will things be enough?
-she apologised to me. but that’s not enough. for. projecting onto me. rather. that’s indirectly what she apologised to me for. but it’s not enough.

i’m still waiting for:
-her to apologise to me. for the way she treated him. for not being welcoming. i’ll just wait for her to bring it up. i realise. i might be waiting a long time. well i waited almost 8 yrs. for this apology the one mentioned above so. and then when she brings it up. we’ll see.
and.
-her to apologise. to him. cause i shouldn’t have to do that on her behalf. and why should i? w/ the way she acted. it makes sense that i shouldn’t. like ‘no you need to take responsibility. and apologise to someone else i think you hurt’. but. i think realistically. the only way that would happen. is if we hypothetically visited him in jail and there was gaurd there. [i mean. there would be anyway.]. cause omygod. she needs some man to help her feel ok. go back to the 1950’s. i mean really. [again. i realise there’d be a gaurd there anyway.].
maybe. after those two things happen. it’ll be enough. but w/ the latter. i don’t know that it will.

i think she thinks. [and i don’t actually know.]. that evan was disrespecting me. when he was staying w/ me.........cause i can’t just be ok. w/ the whole her projecting. thing. cause i want to feel like i had some reason for her actions. which is weird and doesn’t make sense. but ok. and is confusing. i’ve realised it’s not right. or fair. but i still want. find some other cause........even though. there probably isn’t one for her. for what she did and she explained why she did it. and it had nothing to do w/ me even though. like i mean i was obviously there. at the time that
last day. the day he left.
right exactly. it had nothing to do w/ me. like i wasn’t even there. er present i mean. although i was physically there. wow. and she’s severely bothered by the fact that. back in high school my dad was the same. interesting. [btw. yes it’s sad he wasn’t. but i’m in a different place w/ it now. now it’s more. well that was the reality. every so often i’ll think about it in a deep sad way. but other then that.........].
no and it’s funny. bc apparently leo. and i didn’t know him the same way she did. was apparently selfish. wow........and that’s what she didn’t like about him. um. wow.
yeah she can come back and talk to me when she’s known someone w/ full blown schizophrenia and been close friends w/ them. cause i’m pretty sure that’s what evan has. but untill then. she has no idea and doesn’t understand far as i know. again. far as i know.