1 month 26 days post op in Pudendal Decompression Surgery

I’m afraid of it
Something that came to my mind today. I do really appreciate all the things people do say to me. I’ve been told that people admire me for how strong I am. That I can keep going “so well” ect. I don’t say it enough how much I appreciate people. This is MORE than extenuating circumstances, dealing with this type of pain. I have to remind myself of these things when I feel horrendous mentally because of how bad this is. But, I’m ashamed to admit.. I am AFRAID of it. I’m afraid of this pain. I’m afraid to cry and be a complete mindless mess in front of anyone. This is why push people away who want to comfort me. Why I cant take compliments. Why I can’t accept someone wanting to stay in my life. I’ve dealt with the pain every single day in some way shape or form for 7 years. I’ve been pricked so many times for bloodwork and tests to rule things out that one would think I would be jaded to it. But I’m no different than any other human. I’m weak a lot of the time, mentally. Putting on a “face” is necessary when you have invisible and seemingly unsolvable disorders. But at the end of the day im just some scared girl who is isolated in a bedroom. I’m not a hero.

Good things
1) I got another dr apt out of the way. Need to schedule one more.
2) The nerve pain wasnt as in my face as it could be.
3) Got an hour or so of shut eye.
4) Talked to two of my co workers who I missed so much, got a lot more info about the work situation.
5) Ive been thinking of some good things that are going to come in the near future.

Bad things
1) Digestive system symptoms have been particularly bad lately.
2) The tiredness got to me a little, didnt walk today out of fear.
3) Getting down on myself a lot. Hard to not constantly question every sensation you feel and pick everything apart.
4) I can see now how hard its going to be to battle for pain relief.
5) Wondering about drs to see about my digestive issues again. Something always seems unsolved in this arena.

COVID 19 roars on
Virus damage report: 1,257,023 total confirmed in the USA, deaths: 78,198.
ILLINOIS: 73,760 total confirmed and 3,241 deaths.