5:17pm in Going public

It’s a really gorgeous day here - 70 and sunny, a nice breeze, clear skies, and clean air. I just crawled back into bed, scooting my cat aside. I took a long and hot shower, and changed into sweatpants.

I had (virtual) therapy this morning, and afterwards just decided I can’t deal with work today, so I sent a message to my boss informing him that I was taking a personal day. I went out for a run and then a walk around lunchtime, lasting 90 mins or so. I already have very tired legs from the previous day’s workouts, but this excursion really tired me out.

I had some more relationship drama. The guy I broke up with, Andrew, ended up reaching out wanting to talk to me. All last week I had this sense that I felt that things were unresolved. When I broke up with him I kept it somewhat vague, because I felt it would be cruel to point out his shortcomings. My issues with him and the relationship weren’t small things he could change to fix things, otherwise I would have asked for him to do so. Rather, I felt they were pretty fundamental differences. Still, I regret not hashing it out more while we were still together.

He came over on Saturday to talk. I laid out my reasoning to him and he said he needed to process it but was motivated to take some action. He was so sad and defeated and heartbroken. As he was leaving said he wanted to kiss me so I gave him a soft kiss. I felt like it was 99% still over, but felt curious to see what he would come up with.

I was hoping for some really deep introspection from him. One of the big problems we focused on was his roommate / best friend. This guy is a real shitter, and would throw rude tantrums about petty stuff pretty regularly. He’s also gay, never been with anyone, and is pretty clearly in love with Andrew. He was wildly jealous of Andrew and I, and would act out constantly. What did Andrew do about it? Approximately nothing. The problem is that Andrew made a long series of bad decisions for that situation to even exist. Deciding not to live with your friend who is in love with you should be a no-brainer. But instead he decided to put his head in the sand. Deciding to cut someone out of your life who throws grown-man tantrums is a no-brainer. But instead he decided it was OK to allow that behavior.

I’m a big believer in that you teach people how to treat you, and I don’t put up with much shit from other people these days. I think I’ve had my fill of taking shit from people, and I just can’t have that in my life anymore. In contrast, Andrew is a person who will let anything slide.

We talked again last night. Andrew excitedly told me that he had talked to his roommate and was basically like - ‘guess what! my roommate said he’d behave himself from now on!’. And sweet little Andrew really believed it would all be that easy to fix that fucked up situation. I questioned him about what he would do if, in fact, his roommate wasn’t an immediately changed man. That question kinda short-circuited his brain. He just has so much… naivete and almost child-like trust in others. So. As soon as he started describing this all to me my stomach sank and I just knew that there was no more hope. No more 1% chance. This dude doesn’t get me.

We still talked for, I dunno, an hour after that where I just tried to tell him, as a friend, to start thinking more deeply about who he has in his life.

Later after he left he texted me again, all victim-y about how he “fucked things up” and wanted to find a solution to make things better. It’s like he was just grasping for a quick fix, but that’s fundamentally not what I was looking for from him. In fact it was off-putting to hear him try so hard to appease me. I just wanted him to really think about think abut things, and not with the goal of getting back together or agreeing with me.

So, this morning, I sent one final text making it really clear that it’s over. He responded back with some regret for the previous night, and shared what he treasured about our time together. Reading that made it really hard, because he really is a sweet guy who loved me more, and better, than any guy ever has. We got along great, and there was a lot of love. It’s just that our way of interacting with the world didn’t align. I didn’t feel safe with him as a partner, he wouldn’t be able to have my back in the way that I needed.

Of course, there are other things besides the roommate issue. I won’t bore you with the details. But it all kind of centers around having an immature / naive / childlike view of the world. My therapist says he’s just not ‘there’ developmentally yet, and that everyone has their own process and it’s not something you can rush along or teach.

I feel like in a way I’ve been really unlucky in life. I’ve experienced being betrayed, rejected, and hurt by family my entire life. I’ve experienced being lied to and betrayed by both best friends and boyfriends. I didn’t realize until this breakup how much I carry that with me. It’s not that I’ve become excessively distrustful toward others, but I just realize that realistically, most of the time, you have to look out for yourself. I can’t be with a partner who doesn’t understand that.