Out of the races and on to the tracks in Current Events

So how am I doing? I honestly don’t know. I’m wearing some pretty good armour. I’m not feeling anything. I know how to act like I feel but I’m dead inside. Ok, I’m being dramatic but drama is my middle name. Thomas LeaveMeAlone Drama B*n. Am I turning into a sociopath? I honestly don’t think so. I had some pretty big goals that were starting to come together which were interrupted by this C19 shit show. Now I’m back to square -1. However, I’m going to try and tap into the superpower that humans used to have and become more adaptable. I seem to be ok though. My armour is made up of positive thinking and faith in the process. I’m not letting much in but at the same time, I’m not letting much out. If that makes sense? I don’t know when people started to feel so small to me. Like children? I need to come back down to earth or get off this high horse of mine.

I did lower the bar. Just getting out of bed is enough to make me feel accomplished. Just going for a walk is enough to make me feel like I’m taking care of my fitness. Just getting groceries is enough to make me feel secure. Watching and reading content that is about spiritual and mental growth is enough to make me feel like I am going somewhere. However, I’m at a standstill. Just like most people. I got a hold of my friend Jenson, he’s stuck in the UK. He’s been trapped inside his house longer than I have been and will be for a very long time with how bad it is over there but at least he is safe. I’m trying to get a hold of my friend Ange, I don’t know where in the world she is. I believe she’s in the UK. I’m tempted to return to FB. Just to connect but just the thought gives me some anxiety because I don’t know if I can handle it. Is it still a hostile, toxic place? I think I just might and if I deactivate again then everybody can laugh at me some more lol. I am known for my off and on relationship with social media. I don’t have much of a presence on IG but my friend Katie reached out to me. She’s actually good people. Just being around her energy makes me feel calm. She also keeps saying that I need to find a man so she can have our babies lol.

Speaking of finding a man and having babies, whenever I fantasize about my future I am a work from home dad with a husband, two boys and a dog that I never wanted but learned to love. I’m up at 5am for my me-time. Coffee, journaling, meditating or whatever I want. Then I make breakfast for the boys and get their lunches ready and see them all off. I do all the housework, which I know I would enjoy because I have a sickness and I love cleaning. Then I do my work until my family comes home to drive me crazy… more like they come home and I drive them crazy. But I’m an unemployed 34-year-old living in his sister’s basement… which is prime boyfriend material in my city lol. I don’t feel sorry for myself I promise!

I had a couple of beers last night so I’m paying close attention to my thoughts and feels today. I haven’t touched alcohol since my birthday in January. It makes me feel like shit the next day. Not hungover but like I cheated on a test or something and got caught. I slept in until 1 pm today which made me feel angry at myself. Then that tried to spiral into I hate my body compositoion… not today satan! I’m going to exercise and try and get myself to be goal-oriented again.