Mother’s Day in Daydreaming on the Porch
- May 11, 2020, 2:56 a.m.
- |
- Public
May 10, 2020
I have a confession to make. I didn’t remember it was Mother’s Day! I woke up this morning (actually it was 1 pm because I stay up all night) with a dull headache. I felt slightly depressed and disoriented. This is unusual for me. My first thought was that the quarantine was finally getting to me. But it’s more than that. It’s the grief I feel at losing someone I cared for so many years, plus the unnerving new reality of the pandemic — self distancing, quarantines, many weird dreams, anxiety about what the future holds in store, and many new risks to onset each day just as I’m just trying to live what was once a somewhat normal life.
I was jolted with the news it was indeed Mother’s Day by two text messages, one from my minister who was with us the night Mom died, and the other from a good friend from work (I worked with him for almost 20 years before I retired) who said he was thinking of me. He lost his mother very suddenly in New York State about six weeks ago. My minister said she was thinking of me on this first Mother’s Day since Mom died. It will be four months on May 28. It was emotional hearing from them. I usually think of Mother’s Day as falling on or about May 15, so that’s one reason I forgot.
In one of my text message replies, I wrote this, “Its getting quieter and quieter in the house, just as Mom’s presence is becoming more palpable.” I use this term for a reason. It means a feeling or atmosphere so intense as to be tangible or real. I feel it is real and tangible because I do feel her presence. I can’t point to something psychic, but to me it’s real.
Everywhere I go in this large house I find something that reminds me of her. There’s her favorite wooden backscratcher I bought at Dollar Tree. Her weekly pill container. How many nights did I carefully count out her meds and put them in there? I couldn’t look at that any more so I threw it away this afternoon. I’ll root around in the freezer for something to eat for supper and find half an ice cream sandwich in a plastic bag which she didn’t get to finish. That happened again just yesterday. A few days before that I found a Mother’s Day card I gave her years ago. I always prided myself on my cards and used to spend ages in the Hallmark store trying to find just the right one. She appreciated them so much. One of my biggest regrets is that as her dementia got worse, I got out of the habit of giving her a Mother’s Day card. That was a big mistake. My advice to anyone reading this who still has their dear mother is to never stop giving a Mother’s Day card, even if she doesn’t recognize you any more. Mom didn’t have Alzheimer’s, but even though there were many occasions near the end when she looked at me and asked, “Who are you?” most of the time I’m convinced she at least recognized me as her son, or at least as the person who was with her all the time.
There are other things that remind me Mom, and these include personal items of hers my sister and I have not discarded yet, and some of I don’t know if I ever will be able to throw out. The very thought is upsetting. I already have one box of items. The pandemic has precluded my sister from flying here to help clean out the house, and I can’t quite bring myself to do it myself nor would I want to. My sister has to be here when that’s done.
I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and I would be hard pressed to write something that expresses as well how I’m feeling tonight:
“Whenever I look at a framed copy of my favorite photograph of Mom smiling at me in the upstairs hallway, I feel a surge of emotion, sometimes brief sadness and grief, but more often than not I feel happiness and the power of her love and her continued presence with me…”
“Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! I love you and miss you terribly.
gypsy spirit ⋅ May 11, 2020 (edited May 11, 2020)
Edited
surrounded by memories of your mother is rather a lovely and special way to spend Mothers Day, and I understand it wasn't all sweet & lovely because of your continuing grief.....but you got through it. The first anniversary or significant day such as this, is always hard....but can ease a little with each passing year. My own very precious mother passed away in May exactly 30 years ago just prior to Mothers Day that year (also its the month of her birthday -18th-) so still has its moments for me ....but I promise you the pain does ease and only happy memories will linger eventually. In your case today is obviously compounded by the isolation and concerns of the current pandemic so of course it doesn't help. But how lovely that people were thinking of you and particularly made contact with you because they care. That is something to celebrate at least. Each item in your home that reminds you of your dear mum will have a different significance....but they are not the only legacy she left you....she also left you her love which doesn't die. Stay strong my friend, and allow your faith to comfort you as well. hugs p
Oswego gypsy spirit ⋅ May 12, 2020
Yes, I am so grateful that they reached out to me. It’s always so gratifying to know that others are thinking of you.
A Pedestrian Wandering ⋅ May 11, 2020
That you feel her presence doesn't surprise me. She is now without limitations and I'm certain she wants you to know how much you are loved.
Oswego A Pedestrian Wandering ⋅ May 12, 2020
You express this so well, and your words really speak powerfully to me. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be free of these earth limitations.
Marg ⋅ May 11, 2020
That’s so lovely that you continually feel her presence so strongly now and I love the way you expressed that in your text reply! :)
Oswego Marg ⋅ May 12, 2020
Thank you! I really believe I will feel her presence ever more strongly as time goes on.
Marg Oswego ⋅ May 12, 2020
I hope so :)
ConnieK ⋅ May 11, 2020
You feel her presence because her spirit is close. There will be times when you know she is not there. Remember that discarding her things does NOT mean you've discarded her. Her belongings will be a blessing to those in need and when you give personal treasures to others, they will have something to carry her memory forward.
TL ⋅ May 11, 2020
Pick a spot and put all of those memories there. Like a shrine. It will be like she still has a space and you can visit those memories whenever you feel like it.
Oswego TL ⋅ May 12, 2020
I hadn’t thought about that, but I see what you are referring to. Before we start to wholesale clear out the house, I would gather up a number of her personal effects such as a small bottle of the perfume she loved so much: a worn wristwatch, certain pieces of her jewelry, hairbrush, small ornate containers she put things in, pieces of her beautiful antique porcelains — that sort of thing. And then I’d put all of that in a very special antique wooden box so I’d always know where those priceless things were. No can ever replace those kinds of artifacts for remembering a loved one.
Kristi1971 ⋅ May 11, 2020
I still buy Nana a birthday card if one speaks to me. I don't do it every year..it's if one speaks to me. I've got them tucked away.
When I would go visit Mom up in Maine, I would feel Nana in the house. We had real connection in life that remains. One Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I was making pies in the kitchen, and I felt her presence...here in TN. Far away from ME. It reminded me that no matter where I live, I will always feel her presence when I need. Since I learned to make my pies from her, it was only natural I would feel it that Wednesday. Mom says she feels it sometimes, like when she is out in her gardens....and she is now in GA...far from ME.
We forever carry a piece of those we lose in our hearts.
Oswego Kristi1971 ⋅ May 12, 2020
She must have been very special to you both. I can see how geographical location would not be a barrier at all to sensing someone’s presence.
Deleted user ⋅ May 12, 2020
Prior to both my parents' passing I never could have imagined how much emotion and memory I'd wrestle with. Almost seems more difficult the older we get.
Best wishes.
Oswego Deleted user ⋅ May 12, 2020
Sometimes the jolts of intense grief are almost unbearable, but I’d really be worried if I didn’t feel that way.
Newzlady ⋅ May 12, 2020
I like your idea of the keepsake box. I've been feeling Mom's presence more lately as we've been working on clearing the house. There are SO MANY things I want to keep. I have a pile of more things to bring to the house and I don't know where I'll put them. I have some shadow boxes and plan to pick out some photos and mementos that will fit and will do one for each parent. I'll take Dad's to him so he can look and remember as long as he can. I may make several but I don't know if I'll be able to do one for each sibling or not. We'll see.
Oswego Newzlady ⋅ May 12, 2020
Wow! I really didn’t even know what shadow boxes are. Thank you for bringing this to me attention! In addition to a keepsake box, I could use my creativity and memories of Mom to do a shadow box. They have them at Michael’s craft shop and Amazon I’m sure. Great idea!!
Newzlady Oswego ⋅ May 13, 2020
Awesome! Yes, they should be easily found. :)
Telstar ⋅ May 13, 2020
When my mother died in 2013, my dad went through the house and got rid of a lot of my mother's things. Her clothes went to Goodwill, etc.
However, there were some things he couldn't bring himself to get rid of. My mother was a meticulous bookkeeper. She kept reconciled bank statements back from the early 1950s, when they first got married.
When my dad is gone, my sister will get his house - and will have to make the decision on such things then. I don't envy her having to do that.
Oswego Telstar ⋅ May 15, 2020
I’m glad my sister is helping me decide what to keep, but we’re different in that regard so we both will have gave different things we will want to keep to remember her.
Jinn ⋅ May 18, 2020
I love the idea of a keepsake box. When my Mom passed away my stepfather sent almost all her personal effects away . I did not think to ask for any . My Aunt did the same for my Grandma and I did not want to ask then . Now I wish I had . I think I will ask my Father if he has anything of my Grandma’s that I could have . :-)
Oswego Jinn ⋅ May 19, 2020
I have those same regrets from the time I lost a dear aunt who was like a second mother to me.