As The World Turns in Current Events

My mind is restless again. This time is different. Everything is backwards. I don’t see the world with the same optics as I once did when I had a group identity. My inner social justice warrior is dying. I don’t know who I am becoming now. I don’t know what the world even is when I’m not a helpless victim in it.

The shooting in Nova Scotia disturbed me. That’s so horrible, this doesn’t happen in Canada. What is going on out there? I’m not kidding when I say that I haven’t stepped one foot outside in ten days. Yes, Matt came home so we’re supposed to be self-quarantined but I should still at least go for a walk or something to get some air. Sometimes I do think that I am going crazy. Cabin fever? I can’t bring myself to go for a walk or do anything because… depression lol. I’m not sad, I just have no energy to do anything. I don’t even know what to do. I feel like I am just waiting for the world to star up again. Fuck I’m going to force myself to go for a little walk right after this entry.

I’m running out of creative things to do with pasta. I am waiting until Saturday to go shopping. I’ve been getting a lot of missed calls from some number. I got an e-mail from CRA and I briefly saw that it mentioned that they have been trying to contact me. I don’t even want to know. I can’t bring myself to even open that e-mail. Just let me live in denial for a few more days.

I have been dreaming about my mirror. My reflection I should say? I still have so much anxiety about looking at myself. This imposter syndrome thing is kind of annoying. I am forgetting what I look like. I can’t even bring myself to look at an old selfie. Speaking of old selves, I was really craving a drink the other day. What am I so afraid of? I think I don’t want to see how ugly I am. I’ve forgotten that my face is 90% acne scars. I’ve forgotten that my hair is falling out. Ok, that is not true. My scalp still throbs and hurts to touch. I want to see my doctor but I will be patient (pun intended).

Wow, I have nothing to type about. wow. I unlocked a new orgasm? That’s new and not at all exciting. Ok! I’m going to get get some air and then shower. Tomorrow is going to be another fine day inside.
ta