Okurt in Current Events

I think I’ve shut myself down. I’ve taken everything in stride that has been going on during these strange times because I accepted that I don’t have control. A therapist that I follow on Youtube shared her feelings during these times and she made me realize that I just haven’t been letting myself feel. I’m stuck in that there are people who have worse than you mind trap and that isn’t letting me process my own thoughts and feelings about myself and my own situation. I accidentally created the belief that I am not allowed to feel bad for myself. The other day I was questioning my sanity throughout all of this. I can’t bring myself to care, why don’t I care about anyone or anything? I’ve completely shut everything out. I didn’t even notice. However, I’m getting anxious dreams, I’m super tired all the time, I’m not eating, I can’t stop grinding my teeth and I finally just showered, shit and shaved after a few days. I think that I have to admit to myself here that I might be struggling to be okay. Now I just want to cry. If I was able to allow myself to do so that would be great. I could grieve the loss of how things were before C19 a lot faster. I know exactly which episode of Stargate to watch that will do the trick.

I applied for CERB on Monday and I just barely qualified for that but that money came through pretty quick. Just in time. I got some breathing room there. I’m going to throw that money around tomorrow and get myself ahead on my phone and credit card payments. I have to renew my car registration and license as well. That’s via phone and e-mail and mail. Strange times. This must be a super confusing time for kids who have never lived through a crisis before. My niece has been a champ but she’s in her glory as her parents are both home with her. It’s so crowded in here lol.

I’m witnessing a lot of synchronicities again and I’m feeling like something is coming for me again. Good or bad, I have to believe that it is what I needed. “Ganesha be adding and removing obstacles for me,” I tell myself. I was experiencing this last year and then I lost the job I hated for 13 years, the one I didn’t know how to quit. That will be one year in ten days. It’s so weird that I’ve been talking about online courses for the certificates that I want and suddenly my feeds are full of them (nutrition & wellness coaching). Toni called me today to tell me that she potentially has a two-bedroom, two-bathroom house lined up for us. It’s on the opposite side of the city but I’m open to it. That’s a drastic change in my mind but I can’t let my anxiety win. I’m just going with the flow at the moment. I’m not spiralling or anything. I’m not drinking, can you believe? It’s been a few a couple of months now. It’s Russel Brand’s fault! I did his program on Commune and I lost the ability to enjoy an alcoholic beverage. I know that I wasn’t an alcoholic, I’ve seen alcoholism and I was pretty far from that but big things have small beginnings and I can now see when I am creating a recipe for disaster. Maybe?

Blah, anyway it’s time to take my meds and maybe watch some Stargate. Ta!