so. i did a thing. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

first. some backround info: my late paternal grandmother d. 4, 5 yrs. ago come oct. for those who don’t know. [and if you didn’t then. wow. not like i’m one to talk about not paying attention cause well.]. she was difficult to get along w/ and when i was 24. i eventually stopped seeing her cutting ties. i think. she was an alcoholic as well. regardless drunk sober i don’t care. i don’t want to be around someone who’s difficult to get along w/. she died when i was 28. i don’t miss her.

other backround info: well um. earlier this wk. i was talking to someone on fb who also has a blog. here and we were catching up [well i was] and i told. this person about my grandmother and they’re ‘sorry. i don’t know what to say’ and i. kindof lashed out at them a little not completely. then realised it, stopped, apologised and told them. something about when i’m ready i’ll get at them again.
i’m not ready. right now to be civil. and to have a calm, rational um. conversation about this topic the topic. of my late grandmother. which. i mean it’s good that i know that about myself to know. these things. like ok and time to take a break. for now.

right so onto the thing i did. so on fri. i guess that was yesterday. apparently no that was. yesterday i went to my park and talked. to my late grandmother and just. told her how i felt. i didn’t swear, or anything. i just told her that i deserved better and. um. that she was difficult to get along w/ and i think some other things.

after. i didn’t feel much. other then. vibrating i know that’s a weird way to put it. but you know when you get really angry? yeah it’s that feeling. which. interesting i thought i’d feel just. more. like relief or better [well i guess those are the same thing] or something. and i think i know why i didn’t. bc she didn’t believe in god [well i don’t either] or spirits or anything. but i wasn’t doing it for her i don’t think. i was doing it. for me. when i talk to Pat or talk to Lane. [oh yeah i talked to Lane recently.]. i feel. something that spiritual connection.