What Day IS This Anyway?? in meh...

I skipped yesterday. Nothing went on. Grandson was constipated rather badly last night. He eventually pooped and went back to being that bouncy kid he always is until after 1 am. And of course I’m awake before 6:30.

On to today. My Alarmist aunt…I don’t know if she really… I’m pissed. I’m sad. I feel like the shittiest daughter in the world.

My aunt called me. She started a conversation that we never had, telling me about a relative of her son’s fiancee. About how she no longer has cancer. This eventually led to a conversation about my mother who is in the hospital. Apparently, my mother has to have surgery on her leg/foot. She has a wound that has been having issues for a while and since she is in the hospital and they looked at it, some decision was made to have surgery.
Now.
My aunt talked to her yesterday somehow. In that conversation, my mom told her about the procedure and she needed to talk to my brother, who has power of attorney. My aunt, didn’t know how to text so she called her granddaughter to call my brother to speak to the doctor or my mom right away.

So over that time, no one thought to call me. Before I started typing, I texted my brother, “Mom is having surgery on her foot?” He said he was on the phone with the doctor and he would call me.

The way my aunt haphazardly told me about this and still didn’t realize that it was news to me is incredulous. That she couldn’t call my brother directly was stupid. Or how about, I don’t know call me?? Call me for everything else, BUT the important shit. That all of this went down and my brother didn’t tell me… One if my biggest fears is that my mom will die and I won’t even know she’s on her deathbed until after she is gone and I find out on Facebook. (Pissed)

I call my mother a few times a week and go to be with her at least every weekend and a few times during the week if doable. I do what I can. I feel left out of everything regarding her care because my brother thinks I’m incompetent, he thinks I’m not a good person, he thinks I don’t live my mother. I’m not extroverted. So it takes me a moment to burst with anger. Even then, I have to realize I could end up in jail for life because the anger is real. (Anger/resentment)

When she first was placed in this facility, I was stretched thin between taking care of my kids and making sure she was ok, fed, etc. He found this place which is in west county. I would have to catch a one way bus at 6a to make it there by 8am to get there and leave at 5 to make it home by 8:30p. Anyway, any decision made regarding her, I’m not the oldest, so I’m cool with that, but I am her daughter. Because my brother and I don’t really communicate, he doesn’t consult me. He doesn’t say why don’t we get together and talk about what we can do for our mother. He just handles and delegates to other people. I’m on the outside. I don’t know about her medications, I don’t know about her doctors visits unless she tells me to reserve transportation. I’m literally on the outside looking in and I feel useless. I get her what she wants or needs. I had just ordered and had sent to her some eye patches that I was able to get. I still feel useless. (Sad)

So I’m here, waiting for him to call. Any feelings I have had about this day, I was just happy she was ok and doesn’t have COVID-19. Now she’s about to get surgery and I still can’t go see her. I feel shitty and lousy because I know it’s hard for her to answer the phone even at her facility. She only has the use of one arm and hand. For me to call her hospital room and she not answer or think about how difficult it would be to be able to answer I wouldn’t do that to her. I felt as long as the only problem was the UTI (not even sure if pneumonia was confirmed or negative) she would be treated and be ok. I don’t like to worry and with COVID-19 off the table I was fine. Then this. Now, I question if I care as much as I say I do. I don’t try hard enough to prove to whomever how much I love my mother and am concerned. (Shittiest daughter)

I have lived my life trying to live up to other people’s expectations of how I’m supposed to be, react, live. It doesn’t work for me and then I feel as if I’m less than and now I’m sitting here feeling extra shitty because it seems like I don’t care enough. I do care enough.

I’m so messed up right now.