If Not Now When? in Current Events

I’m starting to develop cabin fever. I miss going out. So I received an e-mail from the grocery store that I go to that explained that they now have an outbreak of COVID-19 among their employees. I was just there man.

I’m running out of things to do… okay that’s not true! I’m back in my unemployment routine. Do you ever just wish that you had time to read or make your art? I’m wasting that time man dicking around on my computer. I need to stop. I wake up, drink my coffee and come to Prosebox and then I play Skryim. Then I eat breakfast and play Skyrim. Then I exercise for an hour or two and then I play Skyrim. I get bored of Skyrim so I check my gay content blogs and Prosebox and then I pray that there will be something good to watch on YouTube and there isn’t so I go for a run. Then I shower and then I play Skyrim. Then I decide to make a big meal that will take days to eat and I listen to Alan Watts or a Guru from south Asia talk about life while I cook and then I play Skyrim until it is time to go to bed. About 5 times a day I get angry that my roommates are home with their kids and I go lay down to calm down. Am I addicted to routine? Yes. I have a pile of books that I want to read, I should start reading. I have a pile of paintings that need to be finished. I should start painting. I have stories that I want to write I should start writing. Look, nobody is bored anymore. We’re just afraid. I suppose that I don’t want to start any of those projects because I don’t want to feel not good enough. I like the question what would you do if you knew that you couldn’t fail? That’s where this annoying routine of mine comes in, it creates distance between me and those fears. Blame, excuses and denial are my tools to make me not feel bad about it. At the end of the day, I’m just a little bitch.

The truth is that I still have to figure out what my next move is. That’s what I’m desperately avoiding. I finally had everything coming together and 2020 looked like it was going to be my year but then along came this plague and it pulled the rug right from under me. I don’t like the there are people who have it worse than you phrase because it creates a belief that I don’t deserve help or that my feelings and situations are not valid. This situation, my situation sucks. Getting laid off sucked! It still hasn’t sunk in that I got fucked over sideways bone dry with something hard and sandpapery. It probably won’t ever sink in because I think that I am headstrong enough to accept that I do not have control of this. That which I can control, myself and my situation, is what I am avoiding. I feel like I don’t deserve assistance or that I’m not good enough for the help. I was ready to look for work but my roommates expressed that they don’t want me to. My tax refund can tie me over for a few months but I could also apply for subsidies or EI and accept that help. I guess I will have to face the music. If not now when? This situation isn’t permanent. I keep reminding myself of that. I could enjoy this downtime and start new projects for myself. Blahx10