It's the Sound of Dying I Recognize... in General Mental Anesthesia

Today is a day I’ll never forget.
Today is my anniversary,
The anniversary of my death.
3/18/14

A few updates in one.

3/9/2020

I had two more iron infusions since last I updated. I had blood drawn and my hemoglobin was at 10.1 and iron was at 23. A normal range for hemoglobin is 13.5 - 17.5 and for iron normal ranges are 65 - 175. I was extremely anemic. I don’t feel any better though which is dispiriting. I’m sure my levels have rebounded, but I wish I had some energy. I’m so fatigued all day, all night, yet I can’t sleep.

3/11/2020

My embarrassing life

I got violently sick a few nights ago (which is not uncommon with ulcerative colitis) but it never ceases to amaze me how (despite going to the bathroom a lot (10 - 15x a day average) and it always being excruciating) that you can just be sitting there one moment, on the couch or in bed, feeling fine, then you get a cramp, three seconds later, you’re crying and moaning in pain as waves of contractions twist up your insides. You bleed from the back side as diarrhea comes pouring out and then you start vomiting all over yourself. Just out of the blue; all in a matter of seconds.

It took a full day to recover just to feel like crap (which is a vast improvement).

.

It happened again last night. 2:49am. I was just on the precipice of falling asleep when a contraction hit! I jumped up and out of bed (risking further injury with a broken back) because I typically just have 5 seconds to get to the bathroom.

And if you think I’m exaggerating… Last night it was only 3 seconds. I didn’t make it… by a long shot!

Not only did I bleed and have diarrhea all over the place, the floor (tile & carpet) on myself and the walls, but I also threw up on myself and everywhere else (from the counters down).

Imagine how much that hurts my back. Imagine after being sick, covered in filth and making it to the toilet, then having to sit there moaning in pain as this hellish nightmare continues for at least another 15 minutes!

Now imagine that you have to clean everything. Yourself, the bathroom and the hallway… with 6 broken vertebrae in your spine, 8 herniated discs with additional unidentified damage, rotting bones in your knees… and more.

I don’t hear it often, but I swear to G-D… I will slap someone into next week if anyone dares tell me that ulcerative colitis isn’t a big fucking deal!!!

Think it doesn’t affect me mentally? Depression, Anxiety, Stress. The lack of sleep. If I get 2 hours of sleep any night, I’m ecstatic! It doesn’t happen often. Being in constant agony every second that I’m awake. Non-stop stomach, back and knee pain. Most of the time, I can’t even talk because it hurts too much! Even in my dreams I have ulcerative colitis and pain. It’s inescapable! Think you can do your work shift dealing with all this? And I should mention that this is half of my health problems. No, I didn’t think so!

I’d give anything to be you right now.

Be thankful and Be humble.

GoFundMe Link for my Health

3/18/2020

Some news on the health front!

Regarding my six+ fractured vertebrae, wedge fracture and 8+ herniated discs & bulging discs; as previously mentioned, I ended up having a bone density exam done.

I just got those results today.

It showed significant bone loss (aka: osteoporosis).

All it takes is a sneeze or a cough or getting dressed to literally break my back!

This is all ulcerative colitis related. The osteoporosis is caused by a medication that was frequently used to treat my disease dating all the way back to August, 1992 (Prednisone).

And it was diagnosed last year that I have multiple old fractures in my spine from years ago (5, 10 years ago) that I never knew about because I just dealt with any pain not having insurance.

That said, when you have a bad injury like that, your body changes the way it moves to compensate for the pain, that, in turn throws your alignment off and discs to bulge and herniate. This is also what led to my death 6 years ago to the day!

So now, my Dr. is trying to get a series of injections approved (Prolia) I believe, that is supposed to (theoretically) regrow the lost bone. Sounds like fun!

So it’s wait and see at the moment.

Additionally, I had a bit of a scare last night.

I started having shortness of breath. I have this daily as I have respiratory issues, but last night was bad, I had a lot of trouble breathing and was coughing a bit.

Obviously, you think the worst given the state of the world right now, but I have a nebulizer and I used it. An hour later I felt a little better, so I think it was just a bad asthma attack.

Never assume the worst, be rational and use common sense. Also… treat people with respect and that isn’t just saying please and thank you, but it’s not hoarding supplies which takes it away from people like me who are immuno-compromised and in far greater danger than most.

I can’t just go shopping, it’s too great a risk and if I take that risk and the stores don’t have what I need, and I get sick as a result… then my death is on you.

Selfishness is ugly.

The world is very similar to the show “The Walking Dead”. The zombies aren’t the biggest problem, the people are the problem. SARS & MERS were also coronaviruses, but they and covid-19 aren’t the problem… it’s people… people are the problem!

If I were healthy, I’d still be smart, I’d socially distance myself, but my life would go on. I’m severely immuno-compromised and on immuno-supressant meds (chemo). I’m one of the people who won’t survive if I get it. I can’t just go shopping, but I have no choice, so I literally risk my life to get my everyday supplies only to find out that a bunch of selfish fuckheads raped the store! How often do you go to the bathroom a day? Who needs that toilet paper more, you or me? How do you think that makes me feel?

I wish it was a zombie apocalypse, just so I could sit back and watch the world burn and with it every single asshole that I’m addressing!

Namaste.

Last updated March 18, 2020