Finding Balance in Thoughts On...

Finding balance.

I have been unbalanced for a long time now. I never really searched for it before because it just seemed like it was normal to be out of balance. But as I grow older and look at others, I see that there is a need to find balance within myself to be happier. I think that is the key.

For so long I thought I wanted to be someone else. I wasn’t happy, so the answer was obviously to be somebody who I thought was happy. The only problem is I am not that person. Our lives and situations are different. And deep down, some of those people don’t seem to happy. I thought I had to be a certain way to get people to like me. After all people like that person right? No. Not everyone likes that person, just like not everyone likes me. I clearly don’t like everyone. I have a whole hate list. That is true to by the way. I have an ongoing list of things & people I hate. (You are at the top Oprah. You are at the very top of that list.)

Also, I don’t want all that drama. I like my quiet, lame, life. No drama, no major worries.

So finding balance is not easy because thanks to the internet, there is an entire world of shit out there I want to do. I want to be creative, I want to be witty, I want to be an “expert”. What I am an expert in, is not doing shit. There are so many things I want to do that when I have time to do something, I don’t do anything. Sometimes because I can’t decide what to do, sometimes because I feel guilty doing one thing, when something else has been on the list for a long time. Sometimes I am just tired, but I will always be tired if I don’t get up off my ass and get things done. There is also this “time restraint” I impose on myself. I think “oh it’s too late to do that.” It’s never to late. Never. Other times I think, oh I can’t do that. I can’t doodle/draw/sketch so I shouldn't do that. My handwriting isn't nice enough to ruin that journal/book/project. I don't have all the supplies she has. I blah blah blah. Everything is an excuse and nothing is ever completed.

Balance. How do I find that? I don’t know quite honestly. I could read books, but then that would take time away from reading what I really want to read, so the cycle begins again. I have decided to take it one day and two things at a time.

I am going to ask myself one question every day: “What two things can I do that will make me feel better/happy/relieve stress?”

That’s my answer to finding balance. If I can cross two things off my list, I will feel better. It might not be the thing I want to do the most and I may dread the thought, but imagine how I will feel when I get it done? It will be off my list and I can move on to something I want to do. Maybe one day I do something I don't like and the next, something I will like. It’s not that everything is a like or don’t like. But cleaning isn’t always on my fun list (organizing yes, cleaning, now). Today I chose something that is weighing heavily on me and is actually blocking me from doing other things. And for the second thing, I chose something I really want to do.

I am getting older and I am realizing that I have to be happy with me and what I do and that nobody else matters. Why do I care what some princess at work thinks about my hobbies? She doesn’t seem to have any, so maybe she is jealous or maybe my hobbies are lame. Who fucking cares? Or rather, why should I fucking care? I will never make her happy, I think she is incapable of happiness. But I can make myself happy and she is not an important person in my life, so she can kind of fuck off.

To find balance, I think you have to have the positive (things I enjoy/want to do) and the negative (things I hate/don’t want to do). Kind of the definition right? Because if I just surround myself with things I like, how will I ever really know if I don’t like it? For example, FFF (fucking FiloFax). I thought I would be so happy with a FiloFax, so I sunk $100+ into one and I hate the thing. I hate that I have to punch holes one by one. That US standard sized paper doesn't fit in that metric bases pile of leather. It doesn't stay open like I would like. It doesn't hold all I would want it to hold and I never go past the front of the damn thing anyway. But I had to figure that lesson out the hard and pricey way. Because everyone else loves their FFF, I thought I would to. Look how happy they are. Guess what, I bet they are not happy, but are too far in the money pit of FFF to admit it.

Also, I am not going to worry if my posts are interesting or not. I don’t think many people read them and I don’t blame them. There are people on my follow/bookmark list that I don’t read all the way through. Some of them are so boring, I can’t imagine reading a long post, especially if it is preachy/soapboxy. And maybe I want to flit from one topic to the next. Who cares? Or do I care if someone cares? Nope. I really don’t. I don’t know those people. I don’t owe them anything. See…balance.

As a side note (in case I didn't mention it before): I hate this editor. I hate it with a passion. I am not sure where it begins and where it ends. That is why I write everything in Word and copy & paste (ever since my early OD days where I would lose a thirty/forty minute writing session). Balance.