Phantom Pains in Current Events

This morning before I got out of bed I randomly remembered how my nervous breakdowns felt. How my body felt when I experienced myself spiralling out of control. Then I started to experience that level of anxiety and hopelessness. I’m still feeling it actually like phantom pains. Sometimes I’ll remember what my cystic acne used to feel like and my face will start to sting and throb like phantom pains. I’ll remember what my shingles breakout felt like last year and I’ll experience those phantom pains also. My memory must be strong? Actually, my sister told me that her knee was acting up and then I immediately started to feel my knee act up. I was limping for most of the day yesterday. What is this shit? lol As I was minding my own business this morning something crossed my mind that shook me to my very core and then my mind blocked it out immediately. I don’t know what it was that caused my current spike in anxiety. I want to know so I can process it so it won’t harm me again.

I was overthinking about my fear of the mirror last night. I can look at what I need to look at and then I just get the hell out of there. I know exactly where to stand in my full-length mirror so I don’t have to see my face. I like to look at my body as it is changing from my workouts. I am afraid of my face. Imposter syndrome much? I’ve changed so much that I don’t recognize myself. People identify me as somebody I don’t know so I feel like a stranger in my own life. I can’t bring myself to look at myself in the mirror. That’s probably a missing piece of this giant puzzle that I am building. I need to detach myself from that reflection. I am not that face, I am not that body. I’ve learned that I am not my thoughts and not my feelings. I am not the money in my bank account, I am not the likes on a selfie and I am not my follower amount. I am not the labels society gives, I am not a gay person, a half first nations person, a half caucasian person, a male person, I am not a dogma, a liberal or whatever else people use to identify me. All of the things that I used to identify myself with I should say. I am just a consciousness having a temporary human experience. I do not agree to believe that I am this in this body while you are that in that body. We shrink each other down into something digestible or vice versa, maybe? Am I experiencing an identity crisis? Yes, probably. Labels are the opposite of understanding and I feel that we, as individuals, are events. We didn’t happen, we’re happening. We wake up and just start agreeing to believe that we are this and that because that is what the past says but the past is gone. It isn’t happening. We can just decide differently. Anyways, I feel shrunk when I use these identity markers on myself. I’m okay now with letting people use them to identify me but I don’t belong to them anymore. It’s really hard to explain because it’s really hard for me to even understand. I think my issue with the mirror is that I am still attached to my looks. My appearance is a huge huge part of my identity. I don’t want to let that go. Yeah, I sound like an existential mess right now but I’m not. I think? Beauty is just such a valuable thing to people and I can’t help but cleave to my looks.

Speaking of libidos. My meds were supposed to kill my libido but it has had the opposite effect. I don’t need to be sexually frustrated during these social distancing times lol. So anyway, yesterday was not eventful because nobody is allowed to leave the house in this country, so to speak. I laced up my shoes and was about to go for my daily run when every cell in my body begged me to take it easy and to rest. I complied. I hate feeling lazy. Good thing I did because I realized what job I was giving my exercise. I’m over-functioning to create distance from the things that I should be doing. I did my taxes and updated my resume. Then my health took a turn from the infection that I am fighting. Good thing I didn’t spend all of my energy running for 40 minutes. I called my grandmother to see how she was doing. She’s swell and in good spirits. My mother as well. It was hard to talk to her a bit because I was told by my sister that my brother’s drinking is a secret. I fucking hate secrets. Now I got to act like I don’t know anything? You would that I was a natural at that but I hate feeling fake. I feel a lot better today. Physically anyway. I feel a tad lost but that’s nothing new lol. I dreamt of Becky with the good hair, that she rehired me and then I ended up hating the job in the end. Blah, if it wasn’t snowing right now I would go for a run. I wouldn’t mind going for a walk though. I need air. I need a spritual leader? A heart alchemist? A twink to bring home? lol ok, ta!