my brain makes drugs that keep me slow, a hilarious joke for some dead pharoah in --

Baby entry is previous, I'd rather read that if I were you.

I can't sleep again but I really need it. I made tea and I keep crying and doing wordsearches on my phone. My wordsearch had an ad for the Irish airline (this sounds really stupid, I know). my chest ached and I started again. I don't want to cry anymore.

I long for adventure. even just local. We didn't get to go to the Renaissance Festival, or the St. Patrick's Day parade, nothing really for my birthday, or anywhere for spring break. The summer is busy with daily life and Jacob will be finishing his master's and I will be giving birth.

I am constantly having to sacrifice everything for everyone else. I feel like such a selfish person because it shouldn't be this difficult for me. but it is. My ideal thing I'd like to be doing is being a student. I miss getting up everyday for school and actually going to class. Half my degree has been online and it just isn't the same. I chose to have kids though, that's the way it is. and I don't regret that, it's just... domesticity isn't really for me.

I just want to pack up and go somewhere. I'm tired of this house and I'm tired of seeing the same places. I am so tired, tired, tired.

I want friends and I want to go to shows and I want to feel like a real person instead of a robotic shell. I want to be whole for my kids, I feel like I am robbing them of the mom they need. I love them so much.

I guess Jacob and I need alone time and we will never get it. he doesn't seem interested anyway. I don't really know what to do. I don't feel very close with him and I wish that I did. I need a best friend but we can't talk about these things. he gets upset, understandably.

I just really need this place lately. that makes me feel pathetic. but I guess it is better than nothing.