Day 13 post op in Pudendal Decompression Surgery

Overall, I feel helpless and hopeless. There is no right decision on going back home to IL. We go back when we were supposed to on April 3rd we risk getting exposed in the airport and exposing my dad once we get home. We stay here and my mom and I both go crazy and spend more money. There have been no improvements in my pain levels, in fact its gotten worse. No end in sight. No idea how long the pain takes to “level out” (go back to pre op levels) but right now its currently worse. It’s really hard when people ask me if I feel better because the answer is NO. and most likely will be no for a good long time or maybe never.

It’s hard to think of a life where I can’t sit. Where I can’t take car rides, or bend over. Or have a sex life at all. The quarantine, while I didn’t overall change my existing lifestyle at all… is anxiety provoking. I haven’t watched any NATIONAL news, although I am sure it’s nothing but shit shows. I am stuck with watching Arizona local news which is bad enough.

Pain meds don’t even touch this pain anymore. I can go without them. It’s no cake walk. My mom has been really pushing me to walk and eat more. I know she means well but I really just want to be left alone so I can cry. There is no comfortable way to exist anymore. I don’t know how to lay down anymore cause everything hurts. It’s also weird having the nerve pain amplified in the spots that light up upon the worstening of my PN… (left hand, parts of my head and face, leg and foot)… I know its the centralized sensitization and I know why its happening but its just another thing I am afraid doesn’t have a fix. I’m sorry to harsh anyones buzz but there has not been anything positive in the last few days. Just more guit, shame, depression, pain, anxiety, and questioning everyones motives. You see the best and worst in people when you go through hell and it makes you realize there are really not as many people who are ride or die as you think. I kind of want to go back to ignorance is bliss. But it does also make you discover there are people who do care you didn’t think really would care. Even if its for 5 minutes reading your facebook posts or commenting on stuff. I’ve talked to a couple other people who have had PN decompression surgery. I have not talked to a single person who has been cured 100% all though I know they exist. I have talked to a few people who have had their pain reduced a little but are still in anguishing pain overall. I have talked to someone even 5 months post op hasn’t gotten better. I guess I will make a sad attempt to be positive, because that’s really what gets you likes and comments right?

Things I am looking forward to
1) Seeing my dr. again
2) Seeing my dad again
3) Being able to walk more down the stairs and maybe see more cactuses
4) Seeing how I can contribute at work
5) My own bed and my mom being happy at home

Things I am most afraid of (in order of most to least)
1) Not having a life ever again
2) Re-injuring this nerve
3) This virus being worse than people realize and it being too late
4) Being left to the wolves when going back to IL
5) Money issues

I get that everyone is depressed and anxious due to this quarantine. This virus has ruined so many lives. Either due to health issues or due to money issues. Everyone has been impacted in some way shape or form, that’s why they call it a pandemic. But the timing could not have been worse for me. I have never felt more alone in my life.