Maladaptive in Current Events

I’m tempted to call in sick again. I did not sleep well. I had some serious IBS that hurt so badly that I almost had a panic attack. The vegan cheese I bought and used yesterday had the may contain milk moment on it and I can only assume that it did indeed contain some traces of milk. I’ll know for sure tomorrow if I break out into cystic acne. However, I did commit carbocide an hour before I went to bed and that’s always a bad idea. Whatever, I’m not going to overthink it. I know better than to eat my dinner that late (after 7pm)… plot twist, I got my days mixed up and I’m not even scheduled to work today lol. Anyways, life hack: if your stomach is upset peppermint will help ease that pain. Peppermint tea, gum, breath mints or even brushing your teeth will suffice.

I have things that I want to do and routines that I want to create but I’ve been so lazy. This epistemic state of ambivalence that we’re all in due to COVID-19 is shaking my faith and confidence. I have this why bother feeling that I always have to overcome. That’s the habit I have to break. However, I have been good at managing my anxiety because I understand that it boils down to me being a control freak. I have an underlying belief that I can control the universe. When things don’t fit into my expectations I’m unable to cope. Why? I’m not adaptable. Adaptability is supposed to be the superpower of homosapiens but it seems to have skipped a generation or twelve. I seem to be able to manage my expectations a lot better these days and that has given me the ability to uproot my anxiety at the source… for the most part. When it comes to social situations like putting myself into an environment that I do not know? I can’t even. This is what Atta, my therapist from last year, and I were trying to work on, my social anxiety. I seem to believe that I know what everybody is thinking and I am so good at convincing myself that everybody is thinking about moi obsessively and negatively. I got to quit that shit. I have this story in my head that if I can bring myself to the gym then I will destroy my social anxiety. Of course, that makes my ego flex its power over me and it’s so good at keeping me inside my comfort zone. Comfort zones are great but nothing ever grows there.

So why the gym? Why did I give the gym that job? People with a strong image make me deeply uncomfortable. I don’t know why. Ok, I’ll try and figure that out right now. In my fragile little mind people with a strong image are in a constant state of maintenance. They are always trying to manage how they look. My “empathic” abilities make me experience their need to use others to build that pseudo-social status. They flock together to feel like they belong “together” and/or like to put others down to make themselves appear bigger and better. These individuals make me feel… vulnerable? Disturbed? Creeped out? It’s basically just a fear of narcissists. They’re fueled by shame and create an entirely false image and personality around hiding it. They use people and that vibe I get from them makes me intimidated. Like, are the “jocks” going to call me a fag to make themselves feel more straight? Are the women going to call me ugly to make themselves feel too good for somebody? I have the habit of emotionally preparing myself for the worst so I’m already feeling bullied before I even step into the gym. Why does the gym stand out? Obviously, because there are a lot of people who go there to work on their image. I think people who want to go there for their health might be intimidated like I am? At first anyway, maybe? They might have things about them that society does not like which might make them feel vulnerable? Things like belly fat. We all live in this culture that does not love us after all. Here are a few examples of the limiting beliefs that I have as a result: I’m too thin, I’m too gay, I’m not gay enough, I’m too P.O.C, I’m not P.O.C enough, I’m too unattractive for the world. Long story short: I’m not good enough.

I need to learn how to trust myself. I know that I can adapt but I keep creating as much distance from doing that as possible. [Insert social distancing joke here] My mind is lazy and is also trying to protect me. Bev and I are trying to create self-trust by keeping promises that we make to ourselves. I’m doing alright but I could do better. I’m bad at committing. That’s a lie! I’m very good at committing to my blame, excuses and denials lol. I need to learn how to own my stories. I also need to learn how to accept my “bad qualities” instead of getting rid of them. To be a whole person instead of a good or perfect person. Standards are illusions.

Anyways, I guess I’ll finish my taxes and everything else that I put on my calendar for this week. The dirt roads here are cleared enough for me to start running again! I’m so excited. It’s going to be a high of -2c today so maybe I’ll go for a run? lol -2c is a warm day in my city this time of year.

Last updated March 21, 2020