"On Tinder and Desirability" or PART TWO of Today in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I said I’d circle back around to “I’m still feeling… in quite the need to feel… desirable.” This is something that I’ve been thinking about this weekend because the experience is so… different and similar… to what I experienced before. And I’ve really been trying to put it into words.

When Martha was my wife, living in my home, part of my every day… there was a weight there. This dark, intangible, heavy feeling. This is a woman that has legally and spiritually contracted with me in such a way as to require my emotional and sexual fidelity. I am not permitted to seek sexual interaction with another without my wife’s express consent or a dissolution of the contract. As my wife has not and will not give consent; my sexual interactions must remain exclusively with her. HOWEVER she does not wish to engage in any form of interaction that makes me feel emotionally, intellectually, or sexually confident or comfortable. So, while she has taken on the role of WIFE, through neglect (whether by intent or not) I feel constantly, miserably undesirable.

So that was that heavy, dark, misery of undesirable.

Now? There is a… different sense to it. Feeling undesirable isn’t as oppressive but somehow feels more persistent. With Martha it was the constant reminder, this ever-present cloud over things that could change at some point but never seemed to. So it was oppressive but there were moments of interruption. Now there’s no one there. There isn’t this sense of “THIS is the woman you are with. SHE is your only option for sexual or romantic expression.” But at the same time that means there is no one there. There is this sense of “There is NO woman you are with. There are NO options for sexual or romantic expression.” And I do appreciate that I have so much support on-line. Many of you have been kind enough to express positive things about me. Whether commenting on my attractiveness, or my kindness, or my intelligence. I see and appreciate what you’re saying. But I hope you don’t take offense when I say… it is considerably different.

The idea that IF you weren’t happily married or IF you were within 300 miles or IF you were twenty years younger… I mean, I appreciate all of that. I do. But I hope it makes logical sense that none of it comes even close to comparing to “woman who can drive to a bar and hold my hand” or things like that. Maybe I’m just being picky, old fashioned, or an asshole but… that’s kind of how I feel. Feeling desirable stems from being desired in a substantial way. And I want to say this… I actually LIKE how I look these days. I’m happier about my life and myself than I’ve been in many months! So this isn’t a “I just need to buck up” kind of thing. This is more of a… want to be in a situation where desire or attraction are present.

That being said? I do have some things to discuss about my recent Dating App experiences.

(1) After having searched through multiple dating apps and dating app profiles, I appreciate that a part of the process is “the quick weed out”. There are those who would simply “swipe right” on everyone but… I’ve never been that kind of person and I don’t blame people for NOT being that kind of person. So there are legitimately acceptable “standards” to use as one searches through dating profiles. My own may seem shallow but I have good/acceptable justifications:

(A) If a person’s profile starts as “A simple country girl”, I will swipe left. I’ve dated women who consider themselves “simple country girl” and while we make good friends, we rarely make good romantic partners. A “simple country girl” might have more in common with me than I give her credit for… but, in my experience, it is rarely the case that someone whose FIRST DESCRIPTION is “simple country girl” is as eager to debate/investigate intellectual, spiritual pursuits and/or contemplate the universe from various and differing perspectives.

(B) If one of the first things mentioned on their profile is an “absolute love and adoration for country music,” I will swipe left. I appreciate that all music has value. There are many country songs that I enjoy. But it is quite honestly the last music I would settle on were I looking for music. And while music preference is certainly NOT a defining characteristic of a person; if an individual is using that as their Profile Descriptor… that does suggest that Country Music is a big part of their personality. Give me Mahler, give me Beethoven, give me Bone Thugz, give me Tupac, give me Disturbed, give me Korn, give me Mariah Carey, give me Idina Menzel, give me Baby Metal, give me Daft Punk… give me all of it… but I have rarely if ever found myself in the mood for Blake Shelton.

(C) If a majority of their pictures involve dead things, I will swipe left. This may seem hypocritical. My family hunts and I am going on a fishing trip this summer… so the presence of dead animals (fishing/hunting) on a dating profile shouldn’t be an auto-no from me, one might suggest. But of course it is when you consider my interaction with those elements of my family. My father and brother hunt. And yet they have never even ASKED ME to join them, let alone had me come along. Because they know that while I may thoroughly enjoy eating meat… I’m not at all thrilled to wake up at 4 a.m. to use the latest technology to destroy an animal. NOW, I do support hunting. There are a lot of IMPORTANT reasons to hunt and I’ll never criticize a hunter. It just… it isn’t something I’m bloody interested in doing. And as to fishing? When my father asked me about the fishing trip this summer… he specifically stated I was not “required to fish” and instead “could read the whole time” if I wanted to. So again, while I do fish once in a blue moon… and have actually won a trophy for it once upon a time… it is in absolutely NO way how I would define myself. A woman with a dead fish picture, swipe left… a woman reading a book picture, swipe right.

(D) If the profile description opens with the phrase “I am (fill in the blank) so swipe left if (fill in the blank).” Call me judgmental but profile descriptions ARE first impressions (of a sort). And if my first impression of you is, “I’m bitter and fuck you if you can’t accept me”… that seems like a pretty terrible first impression that I have no interest in pursuing, thanks kindly. Because the NON bitter way of that? Just state what/who you are. “I am vegan.” Leave it at that. Or “I am Wiccan.” Leave it at that. To go the next step of “So swipe left if you’re a carnivore” or “So swipe left if you’re bothered by that” or anything like that? Uhm… if someone was bothered by that… and read your profile… and wasn’t an asshole… wouldn’t they swipe left anyway? The telling me to swipe left if phrase structure just makes the user seem… angry or bitter or y’know… just someone I’m not super interested in getting to know right now, y’know?

(2) I will say, after reviewing a lot of different dating profiles, I have noticed certain “repeated things”. Either phrases that became popular so used in lots of profiles, or the existence of bots using similar statements, or whatever the case may be. The four most common things I find?
(A) Touch my butt and buy me tacos
(B) I’m into good books, good exercise, and anal
(C) Do NOT SWIPE RIGHT if under 5‘11!!
(D) Add me on Insta/Snapchat as I don’t check this app often!
I’ve… no idea why those four things have become so common but… it truly makes me feel like that is deep BOT Territory. Or scam territory. Or just… stupid kids hoping to become Internet Famous. I find it… disappointing.

(3) I’ve been debating with myself on an experiment of sorts. Maybe “experiment” is the wrong word. But I want to use this Prosebox space to maybe… maximize my understanding and analysis of how to Date in the modern times. And I had an idea… but I’m not sure how appropriate it would be. It would essentially be a two-step Friends Only Entry. Step One would be to share a collection of my images that I use on these websites and share what things I share about Profile, Location, Etc. Then kind of crowd source “a better profile” from there. Step Two is where I worry about how appropriate this action would be. Because there are two sides of a dating app. And no matter how brilliant one side may be… the other side counts. So… would it be inappropriate to screen cap the images/profiles of the people I’m “swiping right on” and share those in a Friends Only Entry to see if I’m… I don’t know… selecting women way out of my league… or selecting obvious bots… or why it is that I consistently get zero matches?? Because I don’t want to be an asshole who violates people’s privacy… and I understand that there is an argument to be made that sharing someone’s Internet Accessible Public Dating Profile in a Friends Only entry wouldn’t be a violation someone’s privacy but… I’d rather respect the concept and not be inappropriate if I can help it. Just… wondering. Please let me know what you think in the comments.

NOW FOR A MEME DUMP