i need time. and space. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

[and blogging is a way to get that?] yeah..........bc that makes so much sense.
no um. so i talked to Mark about why exactly i’ve been so depressed lately. i love the guy he’s awesome. and he. helped me realise. not even through him ‘saying’ anything. [as we were ‘talking’ via fb.]. that the reason. i don’t like it when. er...............fuk. sorry, i’m having trouble. the reason i don’t like............that the lady decided to fix my bed. is bc i don’t like when others take over. i’ve done that myself a few times taken over so i shouldn’t talk. but i also on some level. make an effort not to. like if a friend is having a difficult time or a hard day i’ll ask if they want, to talk about it. or even like offline. i’ve asked people ‘do you want help?’. but now it’s like. oh. i get it. that’s why.
i also told him. about the connection between [yeah that’s the right way to phrase it. i’m not being sarcastic i’m pretty sure it is] the lady. not having listened to me and. my ptsd and you know. ‘that’, as he’s put it. and by ‘that’ i mean rape. he. also understood that. i like my privacy.
and after. the realisation of...........the taking over thing i described above. i needed time. i wasn’t upset w/ him i was just uncomfortable.
you know the thing about him i’ve realised. is that i can come to him w/ anything. and he won’t think i’m/it’s weird or strange or judge me or. ‘make me feel bad about it’ in the words of my sister. i might be embarassed about something...........but he’s just. he’s cool. Mark. i think Lane was like that too but then..........well. he died so...............oh god.............Lane........
and i talked. to someone who’s on here on fb. and she. is a cool lady..................i’m not upset w/ her but. this next part i should talk to her [and i might do that...........eventually] about and not blog about. that’s the polite, responsible, right thing to do. again not upset. and eventually. might do that.
so. idinno. that’s kindof where i’m at no that is. where i’m at.
on another slightly related note. the thing some people don’t get. about depression. is that the person who has it doesn’t just ‘feel better’ right away no it doesn’t work like that. it’s not like a light switch i can just turn on and off. i wouldn’t tell someone who broke their leg. ‘i hope you feel better’ [even though i do. i mean i’m not a jerk] oh. i get it. no these things take time. i’ve been reaching out. to a few people which is weird for me and also slightly uncomfortable. bc i hate. asking for help hate it. but yeah depression is pressing. and no again i won’t stop talking about it probably ever.
it’s ok to need. and take time. and space. just be careful w/ the amount...............no really.
my eating is. that is for another upcoming entry but i’ll start a bit on it here. well last night i ate. [yay.]. i had. half or so the amount of pasta i usually have. w/ tomato sauce.
right now. like i said. i will finish this entry. and when i’ve had time and space maybe tonight........... [as it’s 6:10 a.m. atm] ..............but for right now. time and space. yeah i think i’m ok w/ that plan.
well thanks. again.