Grumble in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

This is me grumbling.

Last night, I helped Martha move out. She still has things here and there are still things in this house that (even if she left them here and moved out of State) I would probably remove, sell, or trash. So she’s “moved out” as far as bed, most clothes, and her actual physical presence… but she isn’t moved out as far as “everything that is hers is the fuck out of my house”.

Here’s the thing, though. Nala isn’t handling it well. And I guess, I’m not either. You see.... Nala wouldn’t sleep last night. At all. She kept pacing, waiting for Martha to come home. I’d get about an hour of sleep and then Nala would shriek/cry/scream for me to wake up because… WHERE THE FUCK IS MAMA?! Meanwhile, I’m trying really hard but failing spectacularly at not thinking about all the times in my life where I failed to go after what I actually wanted which is, I’m assuming, the ultimate reason for why I am here in my life. Because the truth is.... when it comes to things like “Financial Stability” or “Social Responsibility” I’m extremely good at going after what I envision in my head. HOWEVER when it comes to things like romance… sex… fostering whatever constitutes a fling.... anything of that sort?? I’ve been a miserable coward and failure.

You see… the truth about me? If you told me that I was expected to sacrifice my entire life, all of my time and energy, in order to assist one single person… I’d do so without question. But always when it comes to actively, proactively trying to tackle my own romantic and sexual existence? I suppose I never wanted to come across as the pushy jerk… so most of my opportunities faded away before I ever did anything about them. Which lead me to Martha. An opportunity I attempted to avoid… but she sought me out… and then an entire relationship where sex, kissing, or even saying “I love you” was too much to expect. And I’m trying to focus on that as opposed to my own history of failure and cowardice. Because when we’re speaking honestly? I went through the entire relationship trying to do The Right Thing at every turn. When I realized I wanted to be with Martha even though she had a boyfriend… I disengaged from the relationship. Because if you can’t be “just friends” with someone and that person is taken… a proper sign of respect is to say, “I’m sorry. I can’t be just friends. I want something more. You’re in a serious relationship. I’ll remove myself because it is inappropriate to pursue you at this time.” And that’s what I did. But then she came after me. Because, to her estimation, I was better than her current beau. And the truth is… I likely was. Not to be an ego-maniacal little bitch, but my appearance and personality are a fair sight better than her previous man. But yeah. My entire life I’ve been motivated by two co-equal impulses. (1) “What is righteous?” and (2) “How do I comport myself to make sure I never seem to be sexually harassing, sexually assaulting, or making a woman uncomfortable?”

At present? I feel very pathetic. I am a child of privilege and opportunity… I have never known dire need… and yet, in the realm of the romantic and sexual, I have never known stability or confidence. I feel somehow trapped between “Full Adult” and “Absolute Child.”

I am a 35 year old man that only ever wanted 4 things.
(1) A job as a prosecutor
(2) A house with a dog
(3) A basement that was primed for entertainment and hosting; and
(4) A successful marriage where I could potentially bring a child into this world

And I was so close. Job, check, house and dog, check, basement check.... but my marriage absolutely falling apart? With zero point zero encouragement (locally) that “loneliness” and “perma-celibacy” was not guaranteed? Yeah. I’d say I’m not exactly in a good place right now.