Vagabond in Current Events

Toni once again is stressing me out about our plans to move in together. She keeps hitting me with her options. To be fair our plans did fall through when I lost my job but since then she keeps telling me that she doesn’t know what to do. First, it was supposed to be us getting an apartment but I lost my job. She took that opportunity as one to save money until I got myself back on my feet. Then eventually she is telling me that she has an option to go live with her friend Stacy. That conversation felt like she wanted my blessing. I don’t want to force her into anything so I played neutral. Toni tells me how Stacy’s boyfriend is an abusive narcissist so why is that even a situation she wants to be around? Then eventually she tells me that she is thinking about moving in with her parents. Her lease expires this coming April and she needs to have an action plan so I don’t blame her for weighing her options. It just hurts because it doesn’t feel like I can trust her. That feeling is probably mutual. She is now moving in with her parents to save money while I get myself situated. The plot, of course, thickens as she calls me last night to ask me what I thought about living with Bob. She completely pitched that idea as me moving in with them. Bob is the fuckboy she can’t quit. He knows the score that she is in love with him and that it hurts her because he doesn’t want a relationship with her but they both want to keep doing relationship things anyway. This would make her situation worse. She keeps saying that she can handle it, this friendship with Bob, but she cannot. She falls apart once a month.

Why would I want to be the third wheel? He wants to rent out his house and then get an apartment with some roommates to save money… like fuck, are we all 20? For myself, I did the whole savings thing but I lost it when I was unemployed. That’s what a savings is for though, I do get it now. Emergencies and shit happens. I’ll get money again. I’m just not money-focused anymore. They are and I don’t want to judge them for that. I just want a situation where I can afford to go to school so an apartment split threeways is not the worst idea in the world but with a man like Bob? Or a situation like Bob’s I should say. I don’t know Bob but I know that he is in a rock band and is 37 and dates damaged 19-year-olds with drug problems and keeps Toni around between his flings and he sounds like a man who is probably never going to grow up. I could be wrong! I haven’t met him. That’s just the impression I get when she talks about him. Also that he has a micropenis and a hot bod. I feel like I’m in that meme I saw years ago that read something like how do three grown men in their thirties not have $700 between them? Why are we still poor in our thirties? None of us have kids or school loans. We don’t travel. Man, what choices have we been making in life? I think I just offended the world. I’m just talking about myself & Toni and Bob here.

Honestly, I don’t want to come off as judging them for wanting to save money. I’m sure they have their reasons. My experience with it is just different is all. My plan is to get enough job security to move out of my sister’s basement. To get enough job security to situate myself with a roommate so that I can go back to Adult ED for the few credits that I need. From there I will explore my options and find a way to get my degree in nutrition online. Hetal acquired her pharmacy license through the World Wide Web so I am confident that I can get my dietic license the same way. She had to fly around the country for exams and such but I’ll cross that bridge later. I’ll also be exploring life coaching online as well to become a wellness coach. Bev is taking those courses online currently. Theoretically, I’ll eventually be able to charge people over $100 a session. That’s some pretty good bank but I’m more about finding purpose, not bank. Helping others will be my purpose and nutrition and wellness will be my passion. I think that’s the recipe for wealth and happiness?

I have some things that I want to do with those degrees. A wellness centre? A YouTube channel? Doing seminars at high schools to bridge that gap between the food industry and the health industry. The food industry doesn’t care about your health and the health industry doesn’t care about your food. I want to empower people to develop a healthy relationship with food. I get it, we just want to eat what feels good without feeling guilty about it. We get pretty committed to that. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up but I do now. At least about the education that I want. I spent over a decade telling myself that I needed money before I dove into school and now that I understand myself more I can see how I was just creating more distance between myself and that goal. At some point in my life, the world hurt my feelings and I stopped dreaming because I created a bunch of beliefs about myself and the world that I live in and those beliefs held me back. Beliefs are just conclusions we make about things we do not understand. Making changes in my life started to feel too risky so I settled and learned to cope. They still do! Changes still feel too risky I mean. That’s just my ego telling me that I will be safe inside my comfort zone. I understand now that my procrastination comes from the fear of not feeling good enough. That my disease to please is just me creating more distance between me and my own problems sort of thing. I became pretty good at pretending that pain wasn’t happening. Now I’ve got a lot of unrealized, unchecked and unprocessed feelings to handle. Life didn’t happen to me, I was self-sabotaging this whole time and not even realizing it. I can forgive myself though. The past is not happening. I’m not a personality per se. I’m an event. I didn’t happen, I’m happening. I can change. All of those limiting beliefs served me and it’s about time that I let them go.

Sigh, kids graduating today are the luckiest people alive! They can take those big risks, the world hasn’t crushed their dreams yet. Generally speaking, they don’t have that baggage just their parent’s expectations. They can grind at their highest level. Life hasn’t happened to them yet. No mortgages, no inlaws, no PTA’s and all those “grownup” problems. I love calling early twenty something’s kiddo.
Yo! I’m not a kid I’m 24. they usually say.
There is going to be a point in your twenties or thirties when everybody younger than you is going to turn 12. All of them! I say back.
They laugh, I laugh but I don’t explain to them how that moment is the moment when the world wins. You’ve settled. You’ve given up trying to become the person you always felt that you were meant to be and now you’re just coping. You’re in B.E.D. (Blame, Excuses & Denial). However! If you’re lucky you will hit a point in your life where they realize that you can indeed recover that person that you wanted to be. You just have to grab your O.A.R (Ownership, Accountability & Responsibility) and get out of B.E.D. You can believe again. I want to be that person who helps others induce enlightenment and recover that person that they want to be. To detach them from those beliefs that have been holding them back. It’s like, my methods and thinking created my problems so my methods and thinking cannot fix them! I need help. That’s the hardest thing to admit to. I want to be that help for others one day. Living my life in a way where I thought that I needed to make myself happy did not work. I want to find purpose instead. I’ll make my own happiness instead of finding it out there in the external world. I have all the tools I need to build my own. (I’m so existential and lame)

I won’t try and dodge loans and debt this time around. If I need some coins to get myself into school then I will get those coins. I’m not telling myself that I need to have massive savings to go to school. It would help! Don’t get me wrong! It’s just that people do this shit all of the time and my situation is far from unique. It’s all been done before so I know that there is a way. Putting my dreams on hold until I grow a massive savings is what I was doing so I need to not do that. I don’t make cents. I do need to focus though (Follow One Course Until Success) and not overwhelm myself. I need to break my goals down into doable pieces because when I think, I sink. I have the habit of overthinking and worrying. Anyways, I got off track in this entry. I love talking about me. Basically Toni is trying to add somebody toxic into our plan to move in together. It’s his idea actually and I don’t like it. I don’t hate it if it was someone else but I don’t know him. I have that bad impression of him as somebody who is hurting my friend. Also, he’s another stoner. I don’t want to live with two potheads. My clothes are too expensive to smell so cheap lol. Blah, I got to get some groceries and meal prep. My lunch situation sucks at work when I don’t pack a lunch. I’m working on new routines for it all though. Ta!