i'm not usually up at 6:30 in the morning but. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

um. so. idinno last wk. when we were talking about the carpet thing. i explained to her [sorry. ‘her’ being the lady i live w/ /the lady] that something about. the reason the carpet was bunched up under the bedframe is so that. the bed/mattress would so it wouldn’t slant and so i wouldn’t slant. and i said ‘i’m fine w/ how things are’. well 2 things: a. even though she bought me the bed when we moved in 3 yrs. ago come this july. by the right of possession. since the bed is actually in my um. possession. it’s my bed. [now if it were in her rm. it would actually be her bed.]. i know. not everyone subscribes, to that right. but i do. sometimes. and she’s like ‘well it’s not your bed it’s my bed’ well..............no actually. going by what i just explained. no it’s not. just like if i were to buy someone i don’t know a book. even though i’d bought them the book. well since they now have it it’s no longer. my, book. it’s theirs.
[and. again i can’t believe i have to say this. but no advice.]. also i’d already solved it. i didn’t need her to re-solve it. that’s just being redundant. [and frankly not leaving well enough alone. and yes i know why. i don’t feel up to explaining.]. in that respect. before she re-solved the problem. i was fine w/ getting by.
and since. she fixed the bed some time after. i told her i was fine w/ it. then that means she didn’t listen to me and i don’t think that’s right. and i don’t like that. it’s kindof a big thing for me. 1. it increases my depression and 2. i have ptsd. and offline i can’t like. talk about my ptsd cause of obvious reasons. confidentiality [as i have explained many times in my blog]. i don’t like coming off as ‘fragile’ but really. that’s why i need to be listened to.
so. this is something that happened that i don’t think is right. that i’m going to talk to Mark about. well. the reason the lady had put that um. the new carpets in my rm./closet in the first place. was to protect the carpet under it. cause i’d spilled things in a few places. but i’d been doing better at um. putting tissues down when i opened something. well so on wed. when i came back from the store i found. that she’d taken my sprite lg. bottle. [it was closed btw] and my canned tea. and at first i thought oh maybe she put it in the fridge. well i looked in there that night and no. and i don’t feel it was right of her to do that w/ first informing me. [ok yes i’ve taken food from the fridge..........but i grew up in a family where anyone was welcome to anything in the fridge. that’s how i was when i had my own apt. i wasn’t going to get it for someone bc i don’t enable.]. no but she’d never. like just randomly done that w/ something full that wasn’t in the trash. that’s the part i feel wasn’t right. i’m going to get more sprite it’s not like that’ll stop me. i just won’t put it somewhere she knows. [it’s for nauseau/to prevent hangovers. cause no i won’t stop drinking. trust me i’m a lot worse when i’m sober.].
so well on wed. i got vitaminwater. and here’s the kindof weird part. i put the unopened bottles in my drawers. cause i know she won’t go through those. [well long as they were closed. i mean it’s probably fine. and it’s not like i had heroin needles in there. no i mean i don’t that’s my point. i’ve never done hard drugs and am currently not.]. like i’m not going to risk dehydration just so her carpet can be ok. she’d explained to me about mold but really. i think i would know if something was going on w/ my body. i don’t have severe breathing problems. like when i have anxiety or i’m upset it’s hard to breathe. but those are. normal symptoms so. it’s weird: people will explain such things to me as though it’s new and i’m stupid. that’s why i never explain such things to people. cause i feel they already know and i don’t want to insult their intelligence. if they want to know they’ll ask questions but other then that. i won’t tell them. this is another reason i can’t trust her. and ya know i was thinking about it. and i don’t want the meeting. [well i never want to go to those types of meetings.]. i feel it would just be a waste of my time and i don’t like that. so i might. tell my mom to tell the lady. ...........w/o me being there. about the idea for the new vacuuming sched. for me to be in my rm. when the lady vacuums and only then. [see recent entries for more info.].
oh btw. i fixed the broken suitcase. turned out all i needed to do was. um. sew parts of the zipper track thing closed so the metal zipper pull. thing didn’t slide off. so now it’s fixed and i’ve locked the zippers together. cause of trust issues.
uhm. so i’m the kindof person who takes things personally. it’s part of a mental condition i have. [which i’ve still not stated what it actually is. when i’m ready i will...........i’m gettin there.........but untill then.]. and so for some reason. and i don’t remember what it was she actually said or even if she did, say anything. but somehow in my mind. and i don’t know how or the logic behind this. i thought. even though i’m a small lady of average height. that the bedframe breaking.........i equated that to thinking she was talking about my size. [or maybe she did say something that led to me thinking that and i just don’t remember?]. it would help if i knew exactly what it was.
alrite so onto my psych. well i like her but a couple things she does really bother me. like so last time i saw her which was thurs. we had 20 mins. left and she asked how things were going and i said ok and she asked about my food, intake [i’m paraphrasing as i don’t like the word ‘diet’] and i told her. when i ate and what. and she starts giving me advice. yes. i already know i’m not stupid. no i don’t eat as much as i should. but also i haven’t been really sick from anorexia in a long time either so. like i got this. [she doesn’t know i have undiag. anor. bc of obvious reasons which i’ve explained above.]. and now i regret telling her. this is why. i don’t like unplanned conversations. cause then i can’t well plan out what i’m going to say. like ‘it’s personal’. and then people give me advice and just waste my time. and all that. and imply i’m stupid by giving me advice when i already know what to do. yeah i’m not all that worried about it. bc well 1. like i said i haven’t been really sick in a long time and 2. i’m apathetic. [conversely i’m also empathetic. which is why i don’t watch the news. i don’t want to feel sad bc of what’s going on in the world that doesn’t help.]. i’m not like. and obviously. uninformed about what happens when one doesn’t eat a whole lot. like i know yeah i’ve been there. i mean i’m aware. i just don’t worry. cause that won’t help. but maybe i’m lucky i don’t...........one less thing for me to deal w/. that may be a problem for other people those around me but it’s not for me. like and it’s not really my fault, that i don’t. i can see why some parents are always so tired. cause they worry. and then they get upset and just. my god. i had that w/ evan. and i love him still do even though. we don’t talk anymore in the words of that one song. but it was so fukin exhausting and i didn’t like it. although i love him and i miss him. in some ways i’m better off and that’s one of them. and i don’t feel bad saying it.
like my roommate jennifer. she is low functioning. [i’m actually not being vague bc i know something but am not stating it on purpose. i really legitimately don’t know her condition. and i’m not allowed to. and i’m ok w/ that.]. she’s a perfectly nice person and doesn’t interact w/ me. [which. for someone who has no desire to meet people as part of. her - my - mental condition is great.]. she’s completely unaware. it’s like she’s stoned all the time. [or being put under anasteshia. i mean well not literally.]. and though it’s a problem for those around her. it’s not for her cause she. actually really legitimately. has no idea. what’s going on. and in a way she’s lucky. like w/ me and apathy. [except that. i’m aware i’m apathetic. like i said in a way.].
again no advice.
well thanks.