Tomplicated in Current Events

After my entry yesterday I remembered how I can’t do things my way because they have not been working so I went ahead and got my prescription. My dizzy spells went away almost immediately. I let them do their duty this time and I let it knock me out at 8 pm. I knew I was going to wake up around midnight for a couple of hours because that always happens if I fall asleep before 10. Of course, right at 10 pm, I’ll be wide awake. I think that the situation will change once I start work. That’s actually our natural sleeping pattern. The industrial age came along and wanted people to work longer hours so science says thou shalt sleep in one big chunk.

I had a dream that I mixed up the dates and slept through my first shift. It was so awful. I’m still stressed out about it and it didn’t even happen. So how do I feel about starting this new job? Tomplicated. My mind wants to create problems and emotionally prepare me for the worst and I’m aware how that is a habit that means that it is my default setting so I’m not letting it win. Of course, that “dark side” does come with gifts so I’m paying attention a little bit. I’m worried about the commute because I don’t have faith in my car. So! I’ll make getting my car tuned up a priority! I’m worried about the lunch break situation. I’ll pack dry food for the first shift and then scope out the situation from there! I hope they have a fridge. I don’t need a microwave I’ll eat my food cold. The food court in the mall does not have much for this dumb vegan. I’m worried that I won’t make enough money. I can tough it out for a bit and then talk to my bank to see if they can help me with my car. If I can buy out my car loan (that I got from another bank, long story) that would be great. My payments are too high and they won’t let me change it. Selling my car is also a possibility. For someone with social anxiety, I’m surprised that I’m not worried about if people will like me. I was overthinking about how I sacrificed being popular by saying no to sex and drugs in my city’s little gay community. I didn’t slut-shame anyone or anything. I was a goody-good, a snob, a bitter queen, a phony, a poser, a bitch etc. All these all other things people called me that I learned to own. I think I’m okay with not being liked now. I don’t need to be the popular kid in the sandbox. I developed a fantasy that I will have a lot of pretty twinks to flirt with at work. Do I really want to be that creepy old guy flirting with twinks? No, but a girl can dream. I think I’m in heat lol. I have a history of young straight guys collecting me as a big brother figure. It’s weird, they’re annoying little shits when they’re all together but once we’re one on one they are a completely different person. It’s always special when somebody opens up to me. Sometimes, it can be a bit much. It’s just rare when it’s a male so I appreciate it even more. Weirdness right? Me I mean, I’m weird.

Of course, my biggest concern is that I will not be good enough. That I will get fired. The job is actually a temp position. They hired 70 and we’re going to get the store ready to open and then once the dust settles they will start cutting back to 40. I’m confident that I can make myself valuable. Also, I don’t think that I will actually enjoy the job as much. I applied there because I do art and it is an art supply store so it made sense. However, I can’t think of anything in there that would give me job satisfaction. Oh well! I could be wrong! I think that I will continue searching because that would just be smart. People are telling me that I can do better. I’ll still take the job! I’ll just have a sidequest.