Which Way Is Up? in Thirty-Five

It’s been a really long time since I wrote and I understand that. I thought I was going to have more time to gather my thoughts on a regular basis but it just seems like everything has snowballed and we’re heading down a very steep Hill right now.

I know a lot of you saw my post on Facebook, but for those that aren’t there, this is what I wrote.

I’m not looking for advice, or methods on how to improve my situation. I’m not looking for you to tell me how to live my life! I’m just asking for prayers

Please say an extra special prayer for my husband. His mental health isn’t well and he has tried going to see a therapist, but has ended up getting thrown around and not ever actually seeing anyone (over the course of a year he was ‘handed off’ to three different therapists.)

He’s been told he’s lazy. That he has no motivation, he just doesn’t want to work. He’s been told by doctors that “you look fine, what’s your problem?”

How can they expect a person with 4 holes in their brain (two on each side) to function normally? I don’t have any holes in my brain (That they can see anyway) and I barely have coherent thoughts and sentences. He has had so many other issues pop up in the last two years. It’s only been TWO years since his stroke.

The main difference between us is that I’ve been going through this whole thing a lot longer. More than 1/3 of my life. I know my limits. I know what I can and can’t do and when I just need to stop. I still have my days where I have to push through it, because I have no choice. There are days where I lay and cry in a dark room for hours then get my ass up, put on my face and go about my day.

His situation was like a guillotine. One moment he was perfectly fine and the next his head was severed from his body.

I have absolutely no clue what goes through his mind, other than what he tells me. Most of those times, the things he tells me when we’re laying in bed or sitting down to a quiet dinner, or just all by ourselves, are often things that in the past 7 years, he would have never thought.

I’m not trying to say he’s a threat to himself, because he isn’t and the fact that he’s talking to me at all is a plus. I’m just as frustrated as he is when it comes to the supposed treatment he’s supposed to get, yet only gets bounced around due to the fact that he’s on state insurance. It’s pathetic how they treat those of us that are less fortunate.

The only part that is the same throughout all of this, is that we are going through it together. We have had our ups and downs, don’t get me wrong. He unfortunately learned very quickly, as I had to, after his trauma that there are people who will claim they will stand by you no matter what, but then write you off as an inconvenience, just because you can’t do everything you have been able to do in the past.

I sincerely, with all of my heart, thank and appreciate every last one of you who has been there for us through everything these last few years has thrown at us.

We need a break. And I believe it is coming, and soon, just not exactly the break or the way we were hoping. It’s time to pick ourselves up from the rubble that has been almost our entire lives together.

This will in turn make us stronger because at the end of it all, we’ll come out better for it. It’s heartbreaking. I never thought at this point in our lives this would be something we would be going through.

Please if you have any questions just ask me instead of assuming. What I have posted here is not the totality of what we’re going through. In fact it’s like the tip of the fucking iceberg. This is just ONE issue. It’s going to be bad for a while and life is probably going to be worse for a while. For once, though, I can finally see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, however miniscule it is. It is there though.

Those that have helped us in our time of need: there will never be words that we can say that can show you how much we appreciate it, but we guarantee there will never be any regret in your part for helping us. We just haven’t gotten to the point where we’re able to give back. But we will!

I appreciate every single one of you who have sent prayers and continue to pray for us silently. Please continue and for the next few months I hope you will pray much harder and help us get through all that we have ahead of us. We love you all. ❤️😍🙏

The long and short of it is that our house is being foreclosed on. We went through various avenues to get things sorted out and everything was denied. Solely based on the fact that Randy doesn’t have his disability at the moment.

and that fact is based solely on the fact that he is upright and walking even though he has all kinds of other physical am instead of keeping him from working including his mental health which is in horrible horrible spot right now.

I really want to get deeper into everything that’s going on but right now I don’t have the time or the mental capability of doing that so this is what you get.

Our main focus for the next few weeks is going to be packing up our whole house and slowly moving things to my dad’s New Mexico. The post that I wrote on Facebook today didn’t include any of his family members

I don’t want to get that drama started again with them thinking that I’m forcing him to move to New Mexico when the fact of the matter is that moving to New Mexico is our only choice at the moment.

So I’ll let him tell them if he wants to. Apparently he’s already told his brother so we’ll see what happens after that cuz Adam likes to start drama that doesn’t even relate to him. Which is exactly what happened after our wedding.

in other news that I want to update you on we went to Vegas on our honeymoon the week of Valentine’s Day. Original plan was to go and use all of the points that we’ve accumulated between the three of us and get free rooms and use it for certain things that are available at the various casinos hotels resorts etcetera.

On Thursday or Friday of the week before we left I told my dad that we were getting ready to look into the hotel stuff and he told me to call him immediately. He had been telling me that my aunt was asking him about what our plans were and etcetera us so I was thinking that maybe she wanted to come with us.

She owns a timeshare at the club Wyndham properties so what she actually ended up doing was getting us rooms. she used points that she had to get us a nice two-bedroom little thing that we stayed in at full kitchen for living room it was really nice.

we were able to use our points for other stuff which we actually didn’t even use much of our points. But the trip was really good. We had a lot of good food we were able to go to 16000 square foot dispensary and get completely stone for about 2 hours and then we went back to the hotel and relax for a few more hours and then had dinner.

we did spend all the money that we raised on our yard sale and stuff but it’s okay. We’re just struggling a little bit until the beginning of the month which is only a week and a half away now.

Anyway so there’s that I’ll write more about Vegas and another entry because there’s more to it but yeah that’s all I got to say for now. Take care everybody and thanks for listening.