Fantasy in Current Events

I’m getting tired of not waking up on a tropical island with a cabana boy next to me. Can anyone else relate?

For a week now I’ve been struck with crazy dizzy spells. The best way to describe it is that feeling one might get looking down from a high precipice if they are the kind of sane person who is not comfortable with heights. It’s like that. Metaphorically I suppose that is where I am at in life right now. I thought that I might be coming down with something, again. I feel great otherwise so maybe not. If I google it I’ll be google-diagnosed with cervical cancer. I’ll be fighting hard for equal pay before I know it and registering on make a wish to fulfill my tropical paradise with that cabana boy fantasy. So anyway, what I decided to do about it is nothing. That’s what I do best. If that was a talent I would be the master of doing nothing. Also, I don’t have a cervix and google doesn’t know that when I look up symptoms lol. It got pretty bad yesterday and as soon as I started to wonder if it was anxiety… I got a slow and steady anxiety attack. It only lasted an hour. But I no longer identify with anxiety, it doesn’t fit in my tropical/cabana boys fantasy. That version of me dares greatly and gets all the tail that he wants without reading into everything. Also! That fantasy has more than one cabana boy effective immediately. One in every colour, two on Sundays. None of Saturdays! That is the true sabbath. Ugh, I did let myself come off my meds. I was too bitter and vindictive about the refill situation and I’ll be honest, I love giving up. There is nothing like throwing my hands up and surrendering. It feels so good to not have to fight anymore! Do not let me lead a country! So I’ll go get back on my meds. I was enjoying the way that I wasn’t feeling around that time I usually take them. I’m just confused because my mind is not in the usual bad place. I start a new job in a week and I haven’t been overthinking the way that I do. That is a habit after all and I developed a new “program” to think differently. So perhaps… my anxiety disorder is actually genetic? That I have a real biochemistry problem… which would have a real biochemistry solution so no big deal. I just thought that I was going to be “cured” of it one day. Wasn’t that ambitious of me? I’ll have to let go of that expectation…

Speaking of Grindr! I don’t know why I decided to open it the other day. Ok! I’m lying to you and myself! I know why. There is this one guy on there that I mentioned before who is everything gay culture wants us to be. He is a white guy with abs. I wanted to be a troll and see if he posted a new picture because I’m a creep and he is beautiful. His profile says absolutely nothing, he lets his selfies speak for him. Does he even have a personality? Would he smell like protein powder all the time? Gym selfies are so… done but I can’t help but look. He did post a new picture, he was sitting by some little waterfall in a tropical paradise this time. He, of course, did not have a shirt. People with abs are allergic to fabric afterall. It’s a medical mystery. People on social media are constantly raising awareness of this by posting half naked selfies. They can’t wear fabric. It’s so weird how a swimsuit doesn’t feel like a person is half naked but somebody in their underwear does? Anyway, people in my city don’t… well he’s Instagram perfect. Travelling and flexing his abs for photos. It made me get FOMO again. Yeah, this HOMO has FOMO. That was 2017 in a nutshell. FOMO gave me bad anxiety and depression. (Fear of missing out). I wasn’t living the kind of life social media influencers were and it ate me alive. I quit social media so I could detox from that. It’s not social media’s fault! I just have to stop Tomparing myself to others. I always lose. Anyways, now I’m dying on the inside because I haven’t been able to do a workout in over a week because of these dizzy spells. I’m going to push myself today which isn’t the best idea… but like, I want to look like this Grindr guy. I’m telling myself that pecs, biceps and abs are what I need to feel confident. That’s going to be a mistake. Building self-esteem around looks is a dumb choice. I’m cute, moderately intelligent, kind and I have charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent that I could build self-esteem around but noooooo. I want the hot beach bod. There’s no beaches in the prairies!! Ok… maybe I don’t have nerve. Also, I don’t have the diet structure or workout plan to get the results that I want. If I want to manifest the body of fitness model then I have to actually become a fitness model and do what fitness models do. Train like a fitness model, get work like a fitness model and eat like a fitness model etc. I do feel like going to the gym is what I need to test my new mindset. And I oop! I just spotted a limited belief there. I sound so dweeb and weird right now. Whatever!

Ok! I might sound harsh about gay culture. I’m working on that! I have a limited belief that gay culture is all sex, drugs and drama… but it can’t be ALL good. I need to be fair and not make a single assumption about my fellow humans. I don’t want to be that judgemental queen. We is all here having a temporary human experience together. Maybe I’m insecure about being a gay man and I’m trying to make that gay culture’s fault? No matter what culture we’re in, it doesn’t love us! I got to create a loving culture for myself. I can’t wait until I can source a therapist. I could use help with my identity issues. It’s funny, I just remembered that I was explaining imposter syndrome to somebody in my dream last night. I think I dreamt that because I accidentally looked at my face in the mirror last night. I haven’t been able to do that all year and then some. It “freaks” me out in a way. I don’t know who that is. I feel like a stranger in my life. I’ve been shedding that character I created that got me through life but I haven’t really figured out who I really am. How existential of me? Also, I’m supposed to be a young supple twink and not seeing that when I look at myself does not fit in my fantasy.

Alright! I should go for a walk. I haven’t been visiting my thoughts lately. I’ve been absolutely addicted to Skyrim again. Literally I play it from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. That’s my life right now. I have too much time on my hands and I’ve let go of all the other habits that were not serving me so I spend way too much in Skyrim. I’m a god there. I have control there. Kyle, a real life gay friend, invited me out to a social this weekend but I had to decline. I don’t drink and he seemed to be understanding… minus the part where he is like who are you?! Wine was a part of my identity apparently. It’s all good. I do need to get out and see friends. All day and night in this basement is not good for anybody. I think prisoners get more fresh air and social interactions than I do.