discontentment in --

I've been having a hard time lately, as has been my son.

I've been having to stay up until about 4am every night because he just won't sleep. I don't know what to do. I get so tired, and when I'm this tired, I feel so absolutely livid and I raise my voice and I always told myself that I wouldn't ever be this kind of mother, I wouldn't be like my shitty mother. But I am. I worked with kids for years before I had my son. What happened to me? I know better. I know better than to be angry with a one-year-old who can't control that. It's all my fault. Everything is my fault.

Part-time daycare was going to be my saving grace. He was supposed to start going today. In order to go, he has to pass a walking test (he walks just fine, and has been for the past three weeks). But he wouldn't walk for them. He clung to me, because he's always grumpy and unhappy from his crappy sleep patterns that I can't seem to fix for him. I was supposed to get homework done today, cleaning, and other housework. This would have been my time, and I would have spent it doing shit that I don't want to do. Welcome to being an adult with boring responsibilities.

I didn't even get a shower yesterday.

I am unhappy. I am so, so unhappy and discontented. I love my son more than anything, and I love being his mom, but I didn't expect it to be so fucking difficult. Emotionally, physically, it's so draining. Just so draining. I just sit and wait for time to pass everyday because I just dread it. I dread coming home from school at night because I know that I'm going to be up all night with a kid who yells at me all day and night. I'm tired of being yelled at, and I'm tired of being up all night until 4am.

I never get to see my significant other anymore. He's a teacher. He comes home at 4ish, sometimes later, then I have to go to school. I come home from school at around 9pm, and then he has to go to bed after I shower. We have no sex life. A sex life is extremely important to me. He's been sleeping on the couch because if he sleeps in the bed, my son will see him and will want to play with him instead of sleeping... even after he's fallen asleep, he will wake up and do this.

I guess I should stop now.